Friday, November 18, 2011

Reach out and touch someone

Recently someone reached out and offered to be a pen pal with me. I was grateful. Not many people have reached out to me and although I do talk to some people, its not started by them initially. C could have just gone on reading my blogs and kept to herself, but she chose to reach out and talk to me, and I thank her for it. She has made me want to get other people to reach out and talk to someone, unfortunately that doesn't always work, but keep trying, eventually someone will respond and you will brighten their day if you just be nice to them. I try to occasionally leave a message to people, wishing them a good day or week. Sometimes they even thank me, and that makes me happy because it is usually happy responces. All you need to do is offer to chat with them or listen to their problems and you will make people happy. inspired by C

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Over Thinking

I am writing this earlier because I have to work today. I sometimes think that I over think some things, like did I remember that time right, or did I remember do do such and such? It is annoying because it drives me nuts until I find out if I did the right thing. Lately I have been thinking about work whenever I have a quiet moment, which since I have been reading more and playing video games less (no I still like to play video games mom and dad) my quiet moments have increased. Thus, I have been over thinking things, work most recently, and I get stressed out. I have been told that its all in my head and that I will be fine, work hard and it will get better, fake it till you make it, but like I said last time, talk is cheap. Just saying things wont make it better, I need to realize myself that things will be fine, that they will get easier, that I can make it. I know this is sounding selfish and rude, and I apologize in advance, but every time someone tells me something, it does not really help me feel better. Look at this right now, I just over thought the consequences and I will probably loose sleep about other things because I am always thinking about things. I have not gotten a decent nights sleep without the aide of sleeping medication (herbal suppliments, nothing that will mess me up of course) in well over three months, and I still wake up periodically throughout the night. All this lack of sleep I believe can be attributed to me thinking about things excessively and worrying because of the excessive thoughts. I thank all that is holy that I do not consider taking illigal drugs or doing different forms of self destruction because that is goes against my morals. I just wanted to reiterate that statement because I fear that I have become self destructive sounding lately, and I just want to put it out there that I am not self destructive. Now back to what I was talking about, when I ran this topic by my mother earlier today, she told me that everyone over thinks and that it is normal. Yes, I belive that to be true, but that does not help me stop doing that, I was told yesturday by my brother that there is no strategy guide to life. I realize that also is true, but it doesn't make me wish for one any less than I do. He then went on to tell me that if I needed to I could talk to him, which I thank him for saying to me, no I need to get ready to go and my head is acheing from all this over thinking.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Training Days

Today I started training for my new job, where I had to learn procedures and safety rules. Halfway through the computer training my knees started to hurt and I mean hurt. I had to stand up to ease the pain or stretch my legs. Half an hour later, and many stretches later, my knees did not hurt as much. I spent four hours sitting in front of a computer screen learning new things that I will try my hardest to remember but will most likely forget some things. I worry about this because I am on a sixty day probation, meaning if I do anything to give them cause to fire me, I get no warnings and they can fire me immediately. I wont say where I am working, just that I will be standing for long periods of time. The probation worries me and causes my anxiety levels to raise rapidly, because I will always be questioning if I am doing alright or if I am messing up. This leads to me worrying way to much and stressing out, which will probably lead to mistakes happening and me being fired for something insignificant. I have been told that I wont mess up or that I will do good, but that does not exactly help me with how I am feeling. I appreciate that people give me love and support, don't get me wrong, its just that they are just words, I am sorry to use an over used quote but "talk is cheap". People say fake it till you make it, but the fear of failing is so crippling, I don't know if I will make it sometimes, and this is only the second day that I have worked. Will this crippling fear get worse as time goes on? Will the fear go away? I do not know the answers to these questions, I wish I knew, I wish there was something I can wave or press or anything that will make my life easier, but there is nothing. I just have to take a deep breath, say a little prayier, and hope for the best. Unfortunately I have no friends to talk about my issues with, yes there is my family, but somethings you just do not talk to them about. Yes I have "friends" but over half of them never talk to me and the rest are new. I talk to them a little bit, but I am not comfertable dumping MY problems on them. They are my problems, I should deal with them myself, not bother people with what is bothering me. I am sorry if I have offended anyone with these statements, I did not mean it that way. I am such a hypocrite, I am always telling people they can tell me their problems, I'll listen to them and try to understand and give them my opinion, but when someone asks me if I have anything to deal with, "nothing, I'm good." L-I-E. I will always have something bothering me, I just never talk about it. It occurs to me that this might seem like a call for help or attention, and while it might be, I don't know, it is not my intention for it to be that way. It is just that I opened the floodgates and now it is just flowing. All this started because I started a job just two days ago. I am tired and my knees are starting to hurt again, so I'll stop here.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I got a job for now

Like I said in the title, I have a job now. So I might not be able to do this every day.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Castle in the Sky

The next film to be released from Studio Ghibli and directed by Hayao Miyazaki is titled "Castle in the Sky". It is a movie about a boy named Pazu (Pat-zoo) who is very brave and heroic and is trying to redeem his fathers name by finding the lost floating city/Continent called Laputa. He proves his good heart when he vows to help a girl who fell from the sky, a girl named Sheeta, find Laputa and escape from a government out to capture the city of Laputa. Along the way they run into sky pirates, secret government agents, an army and a mad man out to take over the world. "Castle in the Sky" is a wonderful movie that is one of my favorite movies and I highly recommend watching. The scenery and music is wonderful, like all films from Studio Ghibli, and the nature themes are very inspiring.  To round out this wonderful masterpiece, an all star cast has been assembled, including James Van Der Beek, Mark Hamill, Mandy Partkin, Cloris Leachman, and Anna Paquin. Full of many surprises, "Castle in the Sky" is a wonderful movie to watch.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Veterans Day

On this day we remember and pay homage to those who came before us and those who still fight the good fight. What I am talking about is the veterans who fought and continue to fight to preserve our freedom. I think some people have forgotten the meaning of veterans day, using it as another day to get drunk, "to honor our veterans and our fallen heroes." I'm sorry but that is BS, yes we celebrate Veterans Day to honor our veterans and those who died, but that does not give people permission to get s*** face drunk. It means we remember those who serve our country to protect freedom and democracy, dead or alive. I myself spent sometime earlier reflecting on the people I have had the great honor to know whom serve in our military, like JZ, a friend of mine from high school who has served at least one tour in Afghanistan (I can not believe I spelled that right, with no spell check). Even though my dad wont admit it, he is a vet as well, he may not have gone to Vietnam, but he did serve in the military during the Vietnam War. Both of my grandfathers, like I have said before, served in the military during World War Two. I have met people who served in the Korean War, and they tell stories that continue to fascinate me. Recently my father gave me a book about the Vietnam War, and I plan on reading it in the near future. Remember, without veterans, we wouldn't have a country to live in, so raise a glass, but not too many by yourself, and celebrate veterans and be sure to thank those that you know for their service. Thank you Veterans.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Shut up and Listen

I have learned that to learn something, you need to just listen. Humans have only one mouth but have two ears, so we can hear twice as much as we speak. Sometimes you learn things other people didn't want you to hear if you remain quiet, some people might consider that eavesdropping though. I believe eavesdropping is used with malicious intent, with no good intended, while just listening causes no harm. Yes you should ask questions to learn more, but as I said earlier, two ears one mouth. I myself have learned many a thing by just listening and not talking. Just listening lets whomever is talking to say what they need or want to say, or teach, and they wont lose their train of thought. Listening also helps relationships, or so I have been told. Instead of arguing with someone, I try to listen to their side, internalize it, think it over, and then explain my side if I still feel my side needs to be explained. Letting someone yell at you while you are just sitting there letting them yell actually helps you win arguments because it sometimes deflates them and they are easier to deal with.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Something to write about

Sometimes I can not think of anything to write about. It could be because I did a segment this week already and I want to wait for next week to roll around, or it could be because I just have writers block. Right now I just spent a good half hour staring at the computer screen trying to think of something to write about, thinking of what topic I should try talking about. One thought wasw if I could try talking about my favorite books, like The Giver by Lois Lowry, a story about a utopian society where everyone has a predestined lot in life. Or maybe I should talk about my dog Gaia again, or maybe even talk about absolutely nothing of concequence. I just don't know what to do, I do not believe I am good enough to do book reviews, or movie reviews. I just talk about what I think of the books or the movies. It doesn't help that I get absolutely no feedback about these blogs, except that I put alot of thought into them and that people like how "honest" I am in them. Unfortunately that does not help me, while I enjoy accolades and praise; I also like to be critiequed so I know how to improve. I would even accept ideas for blogs to write about, because suggestions would get me thinking. I mean look at this, this entire blog is just stream of thought, I am just typing what I am thinking, not even bothering to think about what I am typing, I could go off on a tangent and talk about what I ate for lunch today, chinese food if your curious. All of this just because I couldn't think of something to write about.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind

The first movie in a list of epic masterpeices is Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind. A tale about a young girly girl whom at the same time is very strong willed and independent, a princess from The Valley of the Wind, who along with her people, live in one of the few remaining pockets of land that remains untouched by a poisonous forest that has covered most of the world following a terrible war that happened a thousand years ago. Guarding the forest from mans attempts to take back the world are giant insect like creatures called Ohmu (pronounced Oh-m) whom at the slightest provoction destroy massive cities and kill thousands of people, and in there rage continue to destroy until their deaths. Over a thousand years ago, a great war ravished the land, culminating in an event where massive weapons that moved like living creatures called "Great Warriors" burned the world for seven days continuously. The result of this war was the poisoning of the land and the great poisonous forest taking root. A thousand years after this war, one of these wepons that destroyed the world is found and is accidentaly brought to the Valley of the Wind, and a war mongering nation wants it.

This movie is made with beautiful backgrounds with an epic storyline. With an all star cast of voice actors like Alison Lohman, Uma Thurman, Patrick Stewart, Mark Hamill, and Shia LeBouf. Capping off this masterpeice is a wonderful musical score that greatly complements the film. This movie is a wonderful movie that is an epic masterpiece, and I highly recomend watching it.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Night Party Dreaming

Take heed that my laptop is broken, so forgive me if this has errors

Like I said the other day, I will be trying something new. The recent dream I had starts out with me in a forest, more specifically a clearing in a forest in the middle of the night. I am standing in pitch black with a flashlight that has a battery that is low in power, and I am feeling sad for some reason, like I am not invited to be somewhere. As I begin walking through the pitch black forest, I see in the near distance a giant tent with lights leaking out. It turns out that I am walking away from the tent until I hear someone call my name. When I turn around I am inside the tent where there are people with faces, except I cannot make out who they are, arts and crafts booths are all around the tent, and in the tent itself, there are partyiers, dancing and having a joyous time, and I go stand in a corner and smile while watching everything. Suddenly some faces become recognizable, as friends from high school walk over and begin to greet me, H, M(L), W(R), BB, and BG are just the people whom I remember from the dream, yet I am sure there were more. I recieve hugs from the girls and handshakes from the boys, and we all start to talk about our lives. As we are talking I wake up.

My take on this dream is that I am feeling lonely and abandoned by my friends because most of them don't talk to me that often or none at all(alone in the forest). That I am lost along my path (walking in the pitch black) and am troubled because of it (weak battery in the flashlight), but I realize that my friends have not abandoned me and are just behind me, silently supporting me like my family is, at least that is my wish. I also belive that I am stuck in my past (the tent behind me), which was a party so to speak. My past is calling back to me (someone calling out my name), telling me to stay in my past, where I had friends and was going somewhere with my life (my friends and our conversations). What I need to do is remember my past, but I need to move forward with my life, find purpose in life. My friends, if they are truely my friends, will stay my friends, and if we grow apart I need to accept it and find new friends. I need to make new friends no matter what, because one can never have too many friends.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Wishful Dreaming

I think I will try something new, I will write about dreams that I have and see what happens. In todays dream, I was watching a football game, as in at the game not on television, and all of my friends from high school were there. One friend in particular was W(R), whom I haven't talked to in a long time, and I asked him in person why he hasn't responded to my messages. In my dream he explained that he was sorry and that he was busy, then I told him that he could have at least left a message that he acknowledges my attempts to converse with him, instead of ignoring me. It hurts me that he doesn't respond, making me feel like he is not my friend anymore. I consider him one of my best friends, yet I receive no response from him, sorry I got off track, let me return to the dream, continuing in my dream, I forgive him almost immediately, and we shake hands and the dream shifts. I am sliding around the ground, like there is no friction at all, evading something, I don't know what is chasing me, but I am easily evading it by sliding through trees in a forest. Suddenly I am surrounded by a group and they encircle me. At this point I wake up, with the dream clearly in my mind. Well, most of the dream, as I write this blog, I am forgetting parts of it, but I distinctly remember W(R) being there at a football game with me and our friends from high school.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

A calm day

Today has been a calm and relaxing day, I applied to some jobs, I read a little, and had a good lunch. I am hopeful that more days like this can occur, because I don't feel as stressed as I usually do. The only thing bad so far is my right knee was hurting all morning, so I stayed seated most of the day. The weather was so nice that I am sitting in my room with the window open, listening to the wind and water fountain. My dog came upstairs at one point while I was laying in bed and laid down at my feet for a good while, we then went outside and played with the tennis balls. My mother and father worked this morning and both came home around lunch time, and we all watched part of a movie called Gettysburg, with Martin Sheen, Jeff Daniels, and Stephen Lang. All in all, I think it was a good day.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Finding a Job

Finding a job in todays world can be hard. I myself am still looking for a job, and I am having trouble finding one. Those of you who have jobs, count yourself lucky, because my parents are consistently badgering me to find one and they some how expect me to magically have one immediately. I need them to back off a little and offer their help, especially if I ask for their help and verbally ask them to give me some space. It has been hard finding a job, but I remain optimistic with every application I turn in.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


Napping is good, it helps refresh you on a day when you don't have a whole lot to do. Several times when I had a day off from school, I would lie down and take a nap to catch up on my sleep, because lets be honest, college is tiring. People of every age take naps, from the new born to the sick, as a matter of a fact I think I'll just...Zzzz