Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Today I "graduated" from group therapy, which means that the therapists think I am mentally stable to not need group therapy. I still need to make check ups, but for the most part I am depression free. I do not feel as anxious as when I started group, and as far as I can tell, my depression is none existent. In group I had to consistently talk to people I did not know, and that helped me tremendously with my social anxiety. I will not say my social anxiety is completely gone, because that would be a lie. During the graduation, people came up to me and thanked me, they learned that they can get better just by being in my presence, I didn't understand that, but I just smiled and shook their hands. Other people gave me accolades like how intelligent I was, how much I listen, I am very observant, great personality, and other complements. Graduating from group therapy made me happy, knowing now that I can change for the better.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Boundaries, or personal space as it is sometimes known as, need to be respected. I will be the first to admit that I have invaded peoples personal space, and I will forever regret it. I have lost friends because of it and it makes me sad. Without boundaries, misunderstandings can occur and cause all sorts of trouble. Boundaries sat limits to what someone is comfortable with, and this can help people with anxiety disorders. For example, off the top of my head, if someone pushes me to hard to do something, I will close up or leave because they are invading my boundaries. We need boundaries to function as a society, with out boundaries, the government can encroach on us and take our freedoms. In a sense, civilization is built on boundaries, and they themselves keep us in comfort.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
For some reason, I have been getting tired when I am getting ready to drive somewhere, usually a few minutes after I start driving. The weirdest part is that up until I start driving, I am full of energy, but for some reason, when I start to drive, I get sleepy. I have heard several stories about fatal car accidents because people fell asleep at the wheel. I am worried that one day, I really will fall asleep at the wheel, so I try to sleep enough and stay awake when I need to be.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Is anger ever justified when turned against someone? I believe that some anger is actually acceptable, it can help motivate you as well as vent frustrations. However, at the same time, anger could consume your whole identity, where for years, all you knew was anger. There are stories out there about people who, at my age became angry at someone, and now they are in their fifties who finally give up the anger, but they don't know who they are or what to do, because anger was who they were. When I am angry, I immediately deal with my anger, just so I don't let it consume me. Another form of anger is a blind rage, where you see red and don't realize what you are doing. Blind rages are another form of anger consuming you, and I myself have never gone into one, but I can only assume that when someone has a blind rage, and then comes out of it, they probably would have done something they would regret. So is anger justified, only in manageable doses is my opinion.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Today, September 25th 2011, marks the thirty-fifth wedding anniversary of my parents. On this day, all those years ago, they stood before a pastor and declared to all the world their love for each other. Thirty-five years, to some it passed in a blink of an eye, for two it was the time of their lives. Amazing how they are still together when many marriages don't last that long now a days. Their marriage has lasted through the ups and downs that life throws at you. Milestones like the birth of your children and grandchildren, to bad times, like when you loose your jobs or the occasional arguments.When I sit back and watch how much my parents still love each other, I find myself wishing and hoping that when I get married, that my marriage lasts just as long, and longer, and the love and attraction is as alive as theirs. Happy anniversary Mom and Dad.
Love W, your son
Love W, your son
Friday, September 23, 2011
Ok, I have been doing a lot of serious entries, so today I will do one that is not so serious. Is it weird that I like the way it feels when I hiccup? My mother hates when I do it because apparently it is loud when I do hiccup. There are actually times when I burp and hiccup at the same time, and every time my mother yells at me. Every time I hiccup, I can't help smiling when I do it.
Well my brother is visiting this weekend, so I'll keep this short, see ya
Well my brother is visiting this weekend, so I'll keep this short, see ya
Thursday, September 22, 2011
The other day, while in therapy, it was brought to my attention that I might have missed opportunities to date when I was younger. That I wore metaphorical blinders to these opportunities, worn because of my poor self image. When I was told this, I started to think about it, and I realized that that was true, I thought that I wasn't good enough to ask anyone out, or that I would be out right rejected. I didn't have the courage to do this, and I still don't, nor do I know how to fix it. Many people have responded with surprise when I mention that I have never had a relationship, they say that I'm "cute",( mostly spoken by people more than a little older than me). I'm told I have a great personality that people like being around me, and yet I still have bad self image.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
The other day I learned that what I'm doing here is actually encouraged by the councilors. I was told that journaling/blogging helps those with anxiety and depression because, for one thing, it gets those annoying thoughts that are bugging you out of your head. Another reason its good is because it might actually bring to light the reason you are depressed or have anxiety. I can definitely say with certainty that writing things down does have an advantageous result because I feel a lot lot less headaches since I started doing this. Its like there is more room in my head for newer thoughts and the thoughts are not overflowing and giving me headaches.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Lately I have been in a place where there has been a lot of talk about suicide, I myself have not threatened, thought about doing it, or tried to commit suicide; but being where I have been frequently the past couple of weeks, it is a major issue, and it has gotten me thinking about just how many people have thought or tried to basically murder themselves, as my therapist calls it. Hearing about how those who tried to commit suicide were leaving behind families and friends that would be devastated if they had succeeded, has made me reaffirm my decision, or oath if you will, to never even think about putting my family and what little friends I have through that.
The group therapist actually told the group and I that he has done many psychodramas about suicide and that in EVERY single one of those suicide attempts, there was actually anger at the root of the attempt. Anger at someone, they wanted someone to hurt, make them feel what the person who tried to kill themselves felt. That actually surprised a lot of people in the group, including me. I always thought that it was because they wanted to make the pain stop, not to get back at someone.
I do not know if anyone I know has thought, tried, or even succeeded in committing suicide, but I know I would be devastated at the needless murdering of ones self. I could handle it if someone I knew died of natural causes, but to voluntarily kill yourself, I just don't know what to say, I would never get over it
Monday, September 19, 2011
Body posture is one of the silent ways of communication, and a lot of the time, I try to be mindful of my body posture. Some times when I am uncomfortable, I realize I am leaning towards someone or something that comforts me. If I don't feel like talking I will cross my arms in front of my chest. Sometimes when I slouch in a chair, I am usually tired or comfortable, so if you see me slouching in a chair, ask if I'm either of the two before asking me something else. If I am leaning forward when sitting down, I am listening with all of my attention, not trying to invade your personal space, and if I am bored, trust me you'll know.
Friday, September 16, 2011
I recently learned something pretty funny, to me at least. I learned that fine stands for F**ked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. From now on I will try not to say "I'm fine", but "I'm doing good" instead. Lately I have been quite happy to be honest, I have been going to therapy to get some help, there I said it, and that has helped me realize some things and helped me work through some anxiety. I am actually on half days now, instead of full days, and that has made me a little happier and frees up my afternoons a lot. It was actually one of my therapists who told me what being fine really means. Another way I'm happy is writing these blogs, it lets me get out a lot of thoughts and it feels like some weight is lifted a little with each blog. My sleep schedule has normalized, some what as well, where before, I was sleeping twenty hours one day, and then the next, I was up for almost three days straight. I'm eating healthier since I started therapy, resulting in weight loss and more energy. So from not on, I'm not fine, I'm doing good.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
The other day, I realized that I have not grieved the deaths of my grandparents, except for my mothers mom. When I grieved for her, it was a cloudy gloomy day, I was not feeling well, and i was probably a half hour drive from where she lived with my grandfather when they were both still alive. All these factors, including the stress of my first job, caused me to start crying and I was told to go to the "beach house" where half the aquatics staff lived during the summer. When I got there, I was still crying, and I laid down on the couch and cried myself to sleep, to awaken in time for lunch, and I was fine after that. Of my other grandparents, I have never really grieved. I think I distanced myself so I would accept their deaths more easily and I would not be affected as much, I especially distanced myself from my fathers parents after an incident at the retirement community when an old man yelled at me for making a mistake when I didn't realize I was doing it. Thankfully my grandfather bowed up to him (defended me and got in his face), but the damage was done, and I was sort of afraid to go back, incase that old man was there again. Also, my grandmother was suffering from Alzheimer's, so she wasn't really the grandmother I grew up knowing, so I kind of had to walk on egg shells around her, at least in my mind I had to. So there is another insight into the madness that is my head.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Recently, as in the past four or five years, my stress levels have been steadily increasing. It started with the death of my grandfather on my mothers side, who suffered from dementia. Following shortly there after by his wife, my grandmother on my mothers side, who died from a doctors mistake. Then I graduated from high school and moved with my parents to Texas, where I did not know anyone. Before I could acclimate myself to my new home environment, I was whisked away off to collage, where not even my family was. While this was going on, my fathers parents health started to circle the drain so to speak. The first to go was my other grandmother, whom suffered from Alzheimers, and she died right in the middle of final exams, so I pretty much failed a few tests. Next my other grandfather passed from what I think was complications of a stroke, but I'm not sure at this moment. If you can not tell, I have had a lot of stress piled on in recent years, and I have most likely forgot or left out a lot.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
There has always been people who talk too much. They talk out of turn and interrupts constantly, especially if they disagree with something someone says. They are rude and usually don't care about it. Sometimes they talk so much that it overwhelms a lot of people, not me, I don't really get overwhelmed from others talking too much, I just tune them out. Although there have been times when it gets to me as well, and it ends up usually bumming me out. A lot of the time, these people are cutting others off and no one corrects them because they really don't feel like wasting their breaths, because people will usually cut people off again shortly there after.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Cherish your friends, your true friends, for when you need them the most, they will be there to pick you up. If they are true friends, you can tell them anything and they wont make fun of you, well, at least until you can laugh about it later.Do not ever push your friends away, for when you need them, you wont have them around. True friends are people to hangout with when you are feeling bored, lonely, or you just feel like hanging out with someone. Also, don't neglect new people, one of them could become your new best friend, or even dating material. Trust your friends and they will in turn trust you in return, and if you help them out in their time of needs, they will reciprocate when you need them. Fights are to be expected, but don't be afraid to apologize, because you don't want to make an enemy out of a friend. Tell me what you think.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
When all of this happened, I was in band class in I think the sixth grade. We were let out early because of this and at the time, I was happy, because I didn't know what happened and I got out of school early. When I got home, my father was there and he explained what was happening, and I felt disgusted with myself for being happy. Unfortunately, I don't remember where my mother, sister, or brother were.
I would just like to ask you if you are reading this, to take a moment of silence for those who died on that fateful day ten years ago.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Today I realized how frustrated I am with myself, I just can not bring myself to care about others, feel sympathy, or relate to others. I am frustrated that I can not understand what others are feeling, I feel so selfish. I am frustrated because I can not help anyone because I don't understand these things, which leads to me not caring. I like helping people, but without understanding, I don't know what to do. I have met people who have been abused, who have been molested, or have mental illnesses; but I just can not feel any compassion or bring myself to care. I wish I could help.... so much.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Let me start out by saying I mean no offense to anyone, but sometimes I get annoyed when someone is telling me a sob story. Its annoying because I can't understand what their problem is. Lately I have been sitting in a group, watching, and there has been at least two people who are pretty much constantly crying. I find myself thinking "God, stop crying, get over it," I won't name anyone or talk about their problems. I could never be a psychologist, I have a hard time understanding their sides, I do try to understand them, but I have never experienced what they have gone through. I get angry at myself because I can't bring myself to care or pity them, I don't know how to respond. Instead of the appropriate responses, I just smile or laugh, roll my eyes when no ones looking, and this tends to hurt peoples feelings.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I was thinking of friends from my past, mostly from other high schools, like NWHS or DHS. One such friend who is one of my better friends, although a lot of people have asked my why, is B. I first met B when I joined troop 1**5, he was technically an older boy and a role model I guess. After a while, we would hang out outside of boy scout activities, like we would ride mountain bikes on a course near his house. Another time we went into the woods near my house with some of his pellet guns, and I'm not trained like he is by the AR, so I'm not that good, I'll admit it, but the funny thing is, one time when I was running away, shooting behind me, I actually hit him between the eyes, luckily i missed his eyes. Mind you, he is, or at least he was the last time i saw him, very physically fit, so when I accidentally hit between his eyes, he kicked the crap out of me. Funnily enough, I'm pretty sure that same day he t-boned a car with me in the passengers side of his truck. On the down side, he isn't the smartest knife in the drawer, and is very much... active...i guess you can say. Which leads people to question my association with him a lot, but I just respond that he has good qualities as well, and we have fun hanging out.I am very fortunate to still be in relative contact with him, via instant messages and text messages, well, not text messages much lately, I have been having trouble with my phone lately. Another friend of mine whom I also met in the scouts was B, and when we first met, we HATED each other, but I cant remember why. Now we are like best friends or something and I don't remember how that happened either, I actually went on a fifty mile bike ride with him, his father, and B, to help him finish up the last merit badge, I think the last, before he could get his eagle, which was cutting it close, like a week or something before his eighteenth birthday, which is the cut off for boy scouts. Once again, I am fortunate to still be in some form of contact with him as well. A third friend I made in the past was a girl named S, who went to the same school as B. She was a pretty girl who was about a year or two younger than me, and we really met in the venture crew she pretty much ran, but I might have met her at an earlier time, but I don't remember (sorry S if your reading this (doubt it, no one reads these things besides family)). To be honest, I probably would never had done some things if she hadn't pushed for it, like the venture crew trip to the Bahamas, or going/working at wilderness emergency survival/first aid thing. I am glad I had the pleasure to have last seen her at her house at a party, which I don't remember what it was for, but me R, B, and her hung out in her hot tub while the adults were upstairs socializing, while we just hung out and chatted as well. Unfortunately I haven't really had contact with her in recent years as well. Like I said last time, if I have forgotten about you, don't feel bad, leave a message or something to get the creative juices flowing....that still doesn't sound right. oh well, see you tomorrow....maybe.
Monday, September 5, 2011
While in the car on the way home from San Antonio, I got to thinking about the past. Mostly about friends from high school, and after school activities. I remember one of my more favorite friends, his name is R, and we spent a moderate time together, mostly because we were in the same boy scout troop, had similar class schedules sometimes, and were both on the marching band. I would like to think that I had a standing invite whenever he threw a party after football games. We actually passed our board of review for the eagle rank at the same place at the same time, me beating him by about five minutes, so technically I was the first from my year (those who joined with me) to get my eagle, followed by R. R was at first a little on the large side, but he eventually thinned down and put on muscle when he joined the fire fighter academy or something. Another friend of mine who went to high school with me was H, who was in similar classes as me sometimes as well. We were both on the swim team for all four years, in the marching band for all four years, and hung out outside of school a few times. Like one time we went to a laser tag place with a bunch of other friends, I think R was there as well, and we chatted a little, like one question was about the size of gi .... ahem, never mind, lets just move on from there. Anyway, she was a very pretty girl, and I assume she has retained her attractiveness, unfortunately I sort of lost contact with her in recent years, except for the occasional facebook message. A third friend from high school was M(L) her name was M but everyone called her L. She was incredibly smart and was on the marching band as well. She was very pretty and funny, we had this little game during football games were i would do her favors or say something nice and she would give me brownie points, which now that I think about it, I never got a prize for all those points. As with H, I unfortunately have had little to no contact with her in recent years. Another friend of mine was named C, we went to the same church and were on the same troop for boy scouts, his father was pretty important in both places last I knew. C and his father actually invited me to go to a NCAA lacrosse quarterfinals match in Baltimore, I think Duke and Johns Hopkins were there, which was incredibly fun, and afterwards, we ate at an ice cream place. We also celebrated his 18th birthday i believe, in the bahamas during a sailing high adventure trip for venture crew. On said trip, his father actually fell over board, while we were docked by the way, trying to rescue a part to the coffee maker pot, its an adult leader thing. C was always tall and lanky since I knew him, I assume he hasn't changed since I last saw him, which was a few years ago. If I forgot to mention anyone who was my friend in high school, TOO BAD, just kidding, I apologize, I just forgot to write about you, if its that important, send me a message to inspire my thoughts....that sounded sketchy for some reason. Anyway, stay tooned for part two, lol.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
This weekend my parents and I spent time in San Antonio. We arrived at the hotel and went out to eat at a saloon type restaurant off of E. Houston. After lunch we went to see the Alamo, and to be honest, overrated, it was smaller than I expected and was in the middle of the city when I thought it was outside the city limits. After the Alamo, we had dinner on the "River walk" basically a flea market on a river with a lot of restaurants as well. Today, we went to a very flamboyant church is all I can say, We spent all day also celebrating the ninetieth birthday of my deceased grandmother's brother on my fathers side. After we left him at his home, we had steak dinner at my fathers cousins house. There my father proceeded to a few too many glasses of wine and get into political arguments. Tomorrow we plan on going home.