Reach out and touch someone

Recently someone reached out and offered to be a pen pal with me. I was grateful. Not many people have reached out to me and although I do talk to some people, its not started by them initially. C could have just gone on reading my blogs and kept to herself, but she chose to reach out and talk to me, and I thank her for it. She has made me want to get other people to reach out and talk to someone, unfortunately that doesn't always work, but keep trying, eventually someone will respond and you will brighten their day if you just be nice to them. I try to occasionally leave a message to people, wishing them a good day or week. Sometimes they even thank me, and that makes me happy because it is usually happy responces. All you need to do is offer to chat with them or listen to their problems and you will make people happy. inspired by C

Over Thinking

I am writing this earlier because I have to work today. I sometimes think that I over think some things, like did I remember that time right, or did I remember do do such and such? It is annoying because it drives me nuts until I find out if I did the right thing. Lately I have been thinking about work whenever I have a quiet moment, which since I have been reading more and playing video games less (no I still like to play video games mom and dad) my quiet moments have increased. Thus, I have been over thinking things, work most recently, and I get stressed out. I have been told that its all in my head and that I will be fine, work hard and it will get better, fake it till you make it, but like I said last time, talk is cheap. Just saying things wont make it better, I need to realize myself that things will be fine, that they will get easier, that I can make it. I know this is sounding selfish and rude, and I apologize in advance, but every time someone tells me something, it does not really help me feel better. Look at this right now, I just over thought the consequences and I will probably loose sleep about other things because I am always thinking about things. I have not gotten a decent nights sleep without the aide of sleeping medication (herbal suppliments, nothing that will mess me up of course) in well over three months, and I still wake up periodically throughout the night. All this lack of sleep I believe can be attributed to me thinking about things excessively and worrying because of the excessive thoughts. I thank all that is holy that I do not consider taking illigal drugs or doing different forms of self destruction because that is goes against my morals. I just wanted to reiterate that statement because I fear that I have become self destructive sounding lately, and I just want to put it out there that I am not self destructive. Now back to what I was talking about, when I ran this topic by my mother earlier today, she told me that everyone over thinks and that it is normal. Yes, I belive that to be true, but that does not help me stop doing that, I was told yesturday by my brother that there is no strategy guide to life. I realize that also is true, but it doesn't make me wish for one any less than I do. He then went on to tell me that if I needed to I could talk to him, which I thank him for saying to me, no I need to get ready to go and my head is acheing from all this over thinking.

Training Days

Today I started training for my new job, where I had to learn procedures and safety rules. Halfway through the computer training my knees started to hurt and I mean hurt. I had to stand up to ease the pain or stretch my legs. Half an hour later, and many stretches later, my knees did not hurt as much. I spent four hours sitting in front of a computer screen learning new things that I will try my hardest to remember but will most likely forget some things. I worry about this because I am on a sixty day probation, meaning if I do anything to give them cause to fire me, I get no warnings and they can fire me immediately. I wont say where I am working, just that I will be standing for long periods of time. The probation worries me and causes my anxiety levels to raise rapidly, because I will always be questioning if I am doing alright or if I am messing up. This leads to me worrying way to much and stressing out, which will probably lead to mistakes happening and me being fired for something insignificant. I have been told that I wont mess up or that I will do good, but that does not exactly help me with how I am feeling. I appreciate that people give me love and support, don't get me wrong, its just that they are just words, I am sorry to use an over used quote but "talk is cheap". People say fake it till you make it, but the fear of failing is so crippling, I don't know if I will make it sometimes, and this is only the second day that I have worked. Will this crippling fear get worse as time goes on? Will the fear go away? I do not know the answers to these questions, I wish I knew, I wish there was something I can wave or press or anything that will make my life easier, but there is nothing. I just have to take a deep breath, say a little prayier, and hope for the best. Unfortunately I have no friends to talk about my issues with, yes there is my family, but somethings you just do not talk to them about. Yes I have "friends" but over half of them never talk to me and the rest are new. I talk to them a little bit, but I am not comfertable dumping MY problems on them. They are my problems, I should deal with them myself, not bother people with what is bothering me. I am sorry if I have offended anyone with these statements, I did not mean it that way. I am such a hypocrite, I am always telling people they can tell me their problems, I'll listen to them and try to understand and give them my opinion, but when someone asks me if I have anything to deal with, "nothing, I'm good." L-I-E. I will always have something bothering me, I just never talk about it. It occurs to me that this might seem like a call for help or attention, and while it might be, I don't know, it is not my intention for it to be that way. It is just that I opened the floodgates and now it is just flowing. All this started because I started a job just two days ago. I am tired and my knees are starting to hurt again, so I'll stop here.

I got a job for now

Like I said in the title, I have a job now. So I might not be able to do this every day.

Castle in the Sky

The next film to be released from Studio Ghibli and directed by Hayao Miyazaki is titled "Castle in the Sky". It is a movie about a boy named Pazu (Pat-zoo) who is very brave and heroic and is trying to redeem his fathers name by finding the lost floating city/Continent called Laputa. He proves his good heart when he vows to help a girl who fell from the sky, a girl named Sheeta, find Laputa and escape from a government out to capture the city of Laputa. Along the way they run into sky pirates, secret government agents, an army and a mad man out to take over the world. "Castle in the Sky" is a wonderful movie that is one of my favorite movies and I highly recommend watching. The scenery and music is wonderful, like all films from Studio Ghibli, and the nature themes are very inspiring.  To round out this wonderful masterpiece, an all star cast has been assembled, including James Van Der Beek, Mark Hamill, Mandy Partkin, Cloris Leachman, and Anna Paquin. Full of many surprises, "Castle in the Sky" is a wonderful movie to watch.
http://www.nausicaa.net/miyazaki/laputa/

Veterans Day

On this day we remember and pay homage to those who came before us and those who still fight the good fight. What I am talking about is the veterans who fought and continue to fight to preserve our freedom. I think some people have forgotten the meaning of veterans day, using it as another day to get drunk, "to honor our veterans and our fallen heroes." I'm sorry but that is BS, yes we celebrate Veterans Day to honor our veterans and those who died, but that does not give people permission to get s*** face drunk. It means we remember those who serve our country to protect freedom and democracy, dead or alive. I myself spent sometime earlier reflecting on the people I have had the great honor to know whom serve in our military, like JZ, a friend of mine from high school who has served at least one tour in Afghanistan (I can not believe I spelled that right, with no spell check). Even though my dad wont admit it, he is a vet as well, he may not have gone to Vietnam, but he did serve in the military during the Vietnam War. Both of my grandfathers, like I have said before, served in the military during World War Two. I have met people who served in the Korean War, and they tell stories that continue to fascinate me. Recently my father gave me a book about the Vietnam War, and I plan on reading it in the near future. Remember, without veterans, we wouldn't have a country to live in, so raise a glass, but not too many by yourself, and celebrate veterans and be sure to thank those that you know for their service. Thank you Veterans.

Shut up and Listen

I have learned that to learn something, you need to just listen. Humans have only one mouth but have two ears, so we can hear twice as much as we speak. Sometimes you learn things other people didn't want you to hear if you remain quiet, some people might consider that eavesdropping though. I believe eavesdropping is used with malicious intent, with no good intended, while just listening causes no harm. Yes you should ask questions to learn more, but as I said earlier, two ears one mouth. I myself have learned many a thing by just listening and not talking. Just listening lets whomever is talking to say what they need or want to say, or teach, and they wont lose their train of thought. Listening also helps relationships, or so I have been told. Instead of arguing with someone, I try to listen to their side, internalize it, think it over, and then explain my side if I still feel my side needs to be explained. Letting someone yell at you while you are just sitting there letting them yell actually helps you win arguments because it sometimes deflates them and they are easier to deal with.

Something to write about

Sometimes I can not think of anything to write about. It could be because I did a segment this week already and I want to wait for next week to roll around, or it could be because I just have writers block. Right now I just spent a good half hour staring at the computer screen trying to think of something to write about, thinking of what topic I should try talking about. One thought wasw if I could try talking about my favorite books, like The Giver by Lois Lowry, a story about a utopian society where everyone has a predestined lot in life. Or maybe I should talk about my dog Gaia again, or maybe even talk about absolutely nothing of concequence. I just don't know what to do, I do not believe I am good enough to do book reviews, or movie reviews. I just talk about what I think of the books or the movies. It doesn't help that I get absolutely no feedback about these blogs, except that I put alot of thought into them and that people like how "honest" I am in them. Unfortunately that does not help me, while I enjoy accolades and praise; I also like to be critiequed so I know how to improve. I would even accept ideas for blogs to write about, because suggestions would get me thinking. I mean look at this, this entire blog is just stream of thought, I am just typing what I am thinking, not even bothering to think about what I am typing, I could go off on a tangent and talk about what I ate for lunch today, chinese food if your curious. All of this just because I couldn't think of something to write about.

Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind

The first movie in a list of epic masterpeices is Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind. A tale about a young girly girl whom at the same time is very strong willed and independent, a princess from The Valley of the Wind, who along with her people, live in one of the few remaining pockets of land that remains untouched by a poisonous forest that has covered most of the world following a terrible war that happened a thousand years ago. Guarding the forest from mans attempts to take back the world are giant insect like creatures called Ohmu (pronounced Oh-m) whom at the slightest provoction destroy massive cities and kill thousands of people, and in there rage continue to destroy until their deaths. Over a thousand years ago, a great war ravished the land, culminating in an event where massive weapons that moved like living creatures called "Great Warriors" burned the world for seven days continuously. The result of this war was the poisoning of the land and the great poisonous forest taking root. A thousand years after this war, one of these wepons that destroyed the world is found and is accidentaly brought to the Valley of the Wind, and a war mongering nation wants it.

This movie is made with beautiful backgrounds with an epic storyline. With an all star cast of voice actors like Alison Lohman, Uma Thurman, Patrick Stewart, Mark Hamill, and Shia LeBouf. Capping off this masterpeice is a wonderful musical score that greatly complements the film. This movie is a wonderful movie that is an epic masterpiece, and I highly recomend watching it.

Night Party Dreaming

Take heed that my laptop is broken, so forgive me if this has errors

Like I said the other day, I will be trying something new. The recent dream I had starts out with me in a forest, more specifically a clearing in a forest in the middle of the night. I am standing in pitch black with a flashlight that has a battery that is low in power, and I am feeling sad for some reason, like I am not invited to be somewhere. As I begin walking through the pitch black forest, I see in the near distance a giant tent with lights leaking out. It turns out that I am walking away from the tent until I hear someone call my name. When I turn around I am inside the tent where there are people with faces, except I cannot make out who they are, arts and crafts booths are all around the tent, and in the tent itself, there are partyiers, dancing and having a joyous time, and I go stand in a corner and smile while watching everything. Suddenly some faces become recognizable, as friends from high school walk over and begin to greet me, H, M(L), W(R), BB, and BG are just the people whom I remember from the dream, yet I am sure there were more. I recieve hugs from the girls and handshakes from the boys, and we all start to talk about our lives. As we are talking I wake up.

My take on this dream is that I am feeling lonely and abandoned by my friends because most of them don't talk to me that often or none at all(alone in the forest). That I am lost along my path (walking in the pitch black) and am troubled because of it (weak battery in the flashlight), but I realize that my friends have not abandoned me and are just behind me, silently supporting me like my family is, at least that is my wish. I also belive that I am stuck in my past (the tent behind me), which was a party so to speak. My past is calling back to me (someone calling out my name), telling me to stay in my past, where I had friends and was going somewhere with my life (my friends and our conversations). What I need to do is remember my past, but I need to move forward with my life, find purpose in life. My friends, if they are truely my friends, will stay my friends, and if we grow apart I need to accept it and find new friends. I need to make new friends no matter what, because one can never have too many friends.

Wishful Dreaming

I think I will try something new, I will write about dreams that I have and see what happens. In todays dream, I was watching a football game, as in at the game not on television, and all of my friends from high school were there. One friend in particular was W(R), whom I haven't talked to in a long time, and I asked him in person why he hasn't responded to my messages. In my dream he explained that he was sorry and that he was busy, then I told him that he could have at least left a message that he acknowledges my attempts to converse with him, instead of ignoring me. It hurts me that he doesn't respond, making me feel like he is not my friend anymore. I consider him one of my best friends, yet I receive no response from him, sorry I got off track, let me return to the dream, continuing in my dream, I forgive him almost immediately, and we shake hands and the dream shifts. I am sliding around the ground, like there is no friction at all, evading something, I don't know what is chasing me, but I am easily evading it by sliding through trees in a forest. Suddenly I am surrounded by a group and they encircle me. At this point I wake up, with the dream clearly in my mind. Well, most of the dream, as I write this blog, I am forgetting parts of it, but I distinctly remember W(R) being there at a football game with me and our friends from high school.

A calm day

Today has been a calm and relaxing day, I applied to some jobs, I read a little, and had a good lunch. I am hopeful that more days like this can occur, because I don't feel as stressed as I usually do. The only thing bad so far is my right knee was hurting all morning, so I stayed seated most of the day. The weather was so nice that I am sitting in my room with the window open, listening to the wind and water fountain. My dog came upstairs at one point while I was laying in bed and laid down at my feet for a good while, we then went outside and played with the tennis balls. My mother and father worked this morning and both came home around lunch time, and we all watched part of a movie called Gettysburg, with Martin Sheen, Jeff Daniels, and Stephen Lang. All in all, I think it was a good day.

Finding a Job

Finding a job in todays world can be hard. I myself am still looking for a job, and I am having trouble finding one. Those of you who have jobs, count yourself lucky, because my parents are consistently badgering me to find one and they some how expect me to magically have one immediately. I need them to back off a little and offer their help, especially if I ask for their help and verbally ask them to give me some space. It has been hard finding a job, but I remain optimistic with every application I turn in.

Napping

Napping is good, it helps refresh you on a day when you don't have a whole lot to do. Several times when I had a day off from school, I would lie down and take a nap to catch up on my sleep, because lets be honest, college is tiring. People of every age take naps, from the new born to the sick, as a matter of a fact I think I'll just...Zzzz

Miyazaki part one

I have decided to talk about one of my favorite director's movies and his studio that released several well made movies. My favorite director/producer is named Hayao Miyazaki, and he has been compared to Walt Disney in greatness of animated classics. I would go as far as to say he is Japan's Walt Disney, because all of Hayao Miyazaki's work are masterpieces, at least in my opinion. Now I know that some people don't like what people call, "anime" or japanese animation/cartoons, but I recommend watching these cartoons because they are not your typical "anime". Unlike typical "anime", Films from Hayao Miyazaki's studio, Studio Ghibli (ghi-bly), are full of depth, plot, realistic characters one can relate to, and wonderful artistic drawings. I said it before, but I believe that Miyazaki can be compared to Walt Disney in the way of creating timeless classics. I believe one can really fall in love with his movies if you just give them a chance.

Cold Days

Today was one of the first cold days I have experienced in a long time, and I loved it. It reminded me of when I lived in Maryland. I am weird in many ways, but one of my weird ways is I am comfortable in cold weather, I have been known to walk outside when it is snowing, bare foot, wearing no shirt, and wearing shorts. Obviously I like the cold and if I had my way, would live in a colder climate. My mother used to call me arctic boy, which originates from when I ran outside in the middle of winter wearing nothing but a dipper, at least thats what my mother tells me. I especially love camping in cold weather, because that means a good fire is mandatory. I have actually slept with a minimum of three fans on me at once before, unfortunately in my opinion, two of the fans have since broken, and thats not good. I still walk outside in cold weather with no shoes or a shirt on, I actually did just that just a couple of weeks ago. I wonder what other people think about cold weather?

Rain

I have a love hate relationship with rain and what accompanies it. Believe it or not, I loved listening to the rain hitting the canvas tents and other materials. If done right, you don't have to worry about water seeping in and making your canteen float away. I unfortunately also hate the rain when I am driving and it is coming down hard and there are other people around me, if I was alone on the road, I wouldn't mind a thunderstorm as much, but I don't know what will happen with the other drivers. I like listening to thunder if I am in a safe spot to listen, even under a rocky outcropping is alright with me. However, if I am in a position that I feel is unsafe, I hate thunder and lightning. I remember times when I was in the boy scouts, I would stay up late in the tent, listening to the rain, and eventually fall asleep listening to it, as well as hearing the thunder off in the distance.

Survived

When I picked my brother and father up a couple of weeks ago after their second MS 150 bike ride, they had ridden through wind, rain, lightening, and more rain. When finished and we were talking in the car, my brother made an interesting comment on finishing the race. When asked how he felt about finishing the race, he said one thing, "we survived."  I will admit, I was scared driving in the storm, but to ride their bikes all morning through it, nothing could compare for me with what they experienced. I would like to think it was especially troubling riding their bikes up a very steep, wet bridge with traffic whipping past you on the other side of a flimsy barrier. So I agree with his statement about surviving this bike race, and I am impressed that they persevered and finished the race.

Im Tired

too tired to do one, check in tommorrow

Gaia part 2

My dog is pretty funny and a little stupid. Today while we were playing with a tennis ball, I hit the ball in one direction and she ran in the complete opposite direction. This is not the first time she has done something that makes me question her intelligence. Other times she runs into doors and walls, we believe she is trying to open said doors because sometimes, if we leave the door cracked, she will barge right in with out a care of what is going on in the room at the time, like someone taking a shower... I love my dog dearly, but sometimes she is such a dumb dog.
There are also times when she can be smart, we can say "Go get your leash" and she will walk or run over to it and nudge it, sit down and wag her tail waiting for us to put her leash on her. Another example is when we say "Where is you such and such" usually a ball or a stuffed human figure with a squeaker in it that we call "little man", similar to what my sister does with her dog. When we ask her that question, she will run off and a few moments later will return with the item in question, eager to play.

Germany Part 2

My next memory of my visit to Germany was going to a cheese makers shop in the afternoon of the first day in Germany. This shop is located in the valley of several mountains, surrounded by fields of flowers. Also at the cheese makers was a goat, a few rabbits, and many other animals, like cows. Cows are all over Germany, I would venture to say Germany may have more cows than all of Texas. Later after the cheese makers, before dinner, we explored more of Bad Bayersoien, and saw a memorial to soldiers who died in World War Two. The next day we when to two castles, Schloss Hohenschwangau and Schloss Neushwanstein. The first is a beautiful castle that over looks the Alpsee Lake, and is a beautiful canary yellow. The second castle was built on a cliff overlooking Schloss Hohenschwangau, and is the castle that Walt Disney based his castle after. In both castles, we were shown many historical things from King Ludwig II life, in the first castle, which actually was his fathers, King Maximillian, we walked through a servants entrance and exit and we learned about Ludwig's childhood. In The second castle, we learned that Ludwig was fascinated by myths and legands, so much so that he has dozens of murals all over his castles.  All in all, it was a wonderful second day

Times of Trouble

     We all must go through times of great trouble. It may seem that some of us go through it more than others, and this is sometimes true. Most times it is before we are ready and it consumes our lives. I was talking to my friend M(L) recently and she has made me realize that no matter what age we are, there are always worries that we must deal with. Whether  it is about our families or ourselves, we will always worry. There is a quote from group therapy, "fake it till you make it," meaning that you should act some way until it happens to be the truth. For example, when some one is so depressed, they don't see a the good in any effort, they should fake being happy and content until it starts to be the truth because eventually all the faking will turn into real happiness. Another quote, which is actually a personal favorite, comes from an old song, "Que sera sera" meaning what will be will be. In other words, I believe that one shouldn't worry, because if it happens, it happens, and don't fixate on your worries, because it will only end in worse problems to come. So just let it happen, acknowledge that it is out of your power to do everything, and be happy.
     All of this may seem hypocritical of me, I realize that I have said in the past that I have worries, but I talk about my worries through this blog, and I get some feedback, so I can feel better about things and let things happen. I constantly worry about things; my life, my relationships, my family; I always try to keep to myself about my problems, but most recently I have been trying to fix this problem of mine. On the other hand, because I vent my worries and frustrations through this blog, I have actually made myself available to some others to vent to me, like a few of my friends do or have done in the past, which leads me to another blog entry I will do in the future, listening.

Living in the shadow of greatness

All my life I have felt that I was living in my sisters, brothers, and especially my fathers shadows. My brother was the all-american swimmer and advanced classes. My sister was the all star athlete who could play any sport and excel at it, and she was also in the advanced classes. My father, is the bike racer, money maker, smartest, and everything I strive to be, but have yet to accomplish. The only thing that is just mine is my eagle rank in the boy scouts. Even my mom is better at me in some things, like playing the piano, I may be able to play by ear on the piano, but only with my right hand, my mother can play with both hands and she can cook a mean lasagna and other things. For all the grief and kidding around with her, I believe my mother actually is smart and talented. I feel so overwhelmed living in the shadows of my family. Even my extended family cast long shadows, one of my uncles didn't finish college, but he is now fixing planes. Another uncle is a freaking doctor of ministry, so he has to be smart. On my mothers side, her brothers and sisters-in-laws are journalists, illustrators and lawyers. All of my cousins are successful in what they do, even if its just a family person, they are so good at it.
I feel that I need to push myself to excel because my family excels. When I went to high school, I was known as my brothers brother, or my sisters brother, I had to strive for my own identity. Everyone expects greatness from me but all this pressure bears down on me.  My entire family cast long shadows and I am in the dark because I feel like I am the only one who isn't good. I love my family don't get me wrong, and I am grateful that they do well and are very happy. Now my head is starting to ache from this so I'm going to stop before I have an aneurysm.

Avoidance

I live in a world of avoidance. I will be the first to admit it, I avoid things. I actually avoid writing about a lot of things. Lately I have been getting better at facing things, but I still hide in my room and avoid too many things. People my age go out and make things of themselves, while I sit alone in my room self-pitying myself. People make new friends and have jobs, yet I am still stuck in this rut where I am "diagnosed" with social anxieties and depressions. I hate that I am afraid to get a job. I hate that I have no friends where I live, yes people talk to me and say they are my friends, and I am grateful to them for this, but I always feel like they are just saying that, that they only respond, never talk. If I could just get some proof that I have friends, I might be able to move on with my life. But at the same time, I avoid asking if they are really my friends because I am afraid that I will push them away. Its just so infuriating at all this negative self talk I do, I am stuck. People around me are succeeding where I can't do anything anymore. I have gone to therapy, I have been given medications, I have even got neuropsychological testing to figure if something is wrong with me, and I am perfectly normal. It drives me up the wall with all that I have gone through and I am still where I started four or five years ago. I am placing a tremendous burden on my parents and it disgusts me at what I am doing to them. All I want is to have a job I want, a place to live that I am paying for, and a family of my own. And yet I come back to my original point of avoiding to start. What the hell is wrong with me.

Oh shoot

Sorry I forgot to do one today, I was into a movie called Gettysburg staring Martin Sheen and Jeff Daniels.

Marching Band

Another time in my life when I had the most fun was doing high school marching band. I was surrounded by friends and made new friends, attractive girls and women watched us perform from the stands, there were beautiful girls in the marching band as well, and I am proud to call most of them friend. I made and cultivated several friendships that I will forever treasure in the band. One of my favorite songs we played was the Muppet Show Theme mixed with a song called Chameleon I think it was called I think. Another favorite, which I didn't have a choice because we played it so much, was the touchdown celebration, which we obviously played a lot. Even the all day practices in the summers was fun, because, like I said earlier, I was surrounded by friends. The drum majors (those people who stand in front and conduct) were ALL very good, I believe they and the section leaders were wisely chosen every year.

Swimming

I used to swim a lot when I lived in Maryland. Since I moved, I have not had as many chances to swim as I would like. I miss being able to swim whenever I felt like it in the summer and in a pool larger than the kiddy pools (yes the local pool is a kiddy pool). I actually miss swim teams where I would see friends and be in the pool often, winter and summer swim teams. Swimming was one of my social activities along with marching band, where I could and did make friends. Another reason I miss swimming is because it help to keep me in shape, and since I don't swim anymore, I have become out of shape. I truly miss swimming.

Being Active

I have  realized for some time now that I am not as active as I used to be. Before, I was on the summer and high school swim teams, played in the marching band every year, was highly involved in the boy scouts and occasionally went to youth group at the church I went to. Doing all these things and more kept me physically in shape and I had a lot of energy. Since moving, I have stopped, plain and simple, I have not done anything in a long time. So I recently decided to start running everyday of every other day if my back and knees allow me to. I also need to start doing other things to get back in shape mentally. I have never been as social as I wanted, but I used to get by with my social interactions, I had friends from beyond memory, most of which I have, unfortunately, lost almost all contact with. I need to become more extroverted and talk with more people. I figure doing this blog would get myself practice at talking to people, trust me, there is a method to my madness... now if only I can find out what the method is.

Instant Messaging

Recently, I have been trying to reach out to people from my public school days via instant messaging. Now it has not completely worked but I do talk with more people than I used to. I would like to thank those who respond to my messages, like TS, from Texas believe it or not, TM from Maryland, YVS from Idaho, and all the others, thank you for responding at least once in a while, you have made me happy to know people actually care, (aww...). So the moral of this story is....no moral, just wanted to thank people for still talking to me, and to say I forgive the others who haven't.

Authority

Authority to me is what you give someone that you believe should have the ability to direct people or to help and take care of others safety. When your child is trapped in a fire, you trust in the authority of the firefighters to save your child and protect others, so you listen to their directions. In a hostage situation, you would place your trust in the police to resolve the crisis. Basically, authority is given to those you would trust in an emergency. Another example of authority is of someone who can make difficult decisions when no one else will. For example, many generals in the past have had to make the decision to send people to their deaths to win a strategic victory, knowing that several thousand might die, because in the end, it shall save millions of lives.

R.E.M. Syndrome

Recently I have been suffering from what I call the R.E.M. syndrome. R.E.M. was a band from when my brother was young, and I, being the annoying brat who looked up to him all the time, learned to like R.E.M. as well. One of their songs is titled, "Losing My Religion", (for those Gleeks out there its that song what's his face sung in the Cheezus Christ episode the only episode I have seen and remember.) Anyway, what I mean is I think I really an losing my religion, because as the years have passed, I have liked going to church less and less. It doesn't help that often my parents forced my to go to the early services. I have begun to notice a lot of repetitiveness to going to church itself, we go, we sing, we listen to bible verses, we sing, we listen to a sermon, we sing again, listen to more verses, sing again, then we leave. Even the sermons are getting repetitive. I know this blog might alienate some family of mine, because everyone from my fathers side are heavily spiritual, I mean my Grandfather and Uncle were both ministers or was it reverands. I grew up listening to stories about them, mostly my grandfather being a minister. My aunts and cousins are very spiritual, and I worry that they will alienate me. I worry that I am losing my religion and my family because of it.

Appreciation

When you do something nice for someone, and they appreciate what you have done for them, don't you feel happy? When ever someone does something kind for me or does a favor, I always try to show my appreciation for what they have done. I also, deep down in my subconscious, try to do things to receive appreciation from others. Appreciation makes me feel good and encourages me to do more for others in the hope of receiving more and more. I actually am quite selfish is this way, I crave reactions to my actions, I expect someone to appreciate what I do for them, but I never voice these thoughts to anyone because that would be terribly rude. Showing your appreciation will also result in someone doing things for you in the future if you ask them for help.

Ma happy place

When I wanted some alone time when I still lived in Maryland, time away from everything that life threw at me, I would often walk through the woods behind my house, off the path. I believe that my not walking on the paths in the woods is a good metaphor for my life, meaning I don't like walking the way others do it, but I like to know that if I got lost, that there was a path nearby to help me find myself. Since I moved from Maryland, I have not had a chance nor will I have a chance to walk off the path in the woods, mainly because there are no forests behind my house, just a man made lake.

When I would walk through the forest, I would be able to vent my frustrations to the trees, I would pretend that they were listening to me. Just pretending that someone was listening, no matter the issue, made me happy. Just being alone helped me deal with a lot of issues, like who I thought was pretty, who made me angry, who hurt my feelings, and many other things. I would sit by the stream and listen to the world around me and be at peace. Trees all around me, a stream with a small bank to sit on, the soft crunch of a deer walking by on the other side of the stream, this is my happy place.

Germany part 1

A year or two ago, I had the opportunity to go to Germany, and because I have always wanted to go to Germany, I jumped at the chance to go. The first day in Germany was actually spent in the air mostly, because I had to fly to Atlanta, then from Atlanta to Munich. On the first day, I woke up, and I use the term woke up loosely because I did not sleebecause of my excitement, and my father drove me to Bush intercontinental and was actually allowed to see me off at the gate. This was the first time I actually flew alone and I was a little nervous, i.e. about to freak out. After my plane landed in Atlanta, GA, I met up with the teacher who was chaperoning I guess you could say, my history teacher at the time, Mr. C. He arranged to meet me at my gate before hand so he could bring me to the rest of the group that were going,including his mom, whom I coined the term, p "mamma c." When we met up with the rest, it was about a two hour wait i believe for the flight to Germany. When we finally boarded the plane, I was separated from the group because I reserved my tickets separate from them, and I was seated next to an elderly lady, whom fell asleep soon after take off, and I didn't want to wake her, so for the entire ten hour flight, I stayed seated, watching movies, reading, playing video games. I also got no sleep so I was actually awake for about forty hours that day. Ten hours later, at seven A.M. in Munich, we landed, and I sprinted to the nearest bathroom. I had looked out the window of the plane and seen England, France, and the sun rise while a mile up. After we landed and got off the plane, I remember very little, but I do remember sitting at a cafe in the airport waiting for the adults to find our van that they were renting for sevenish days.When it showed up, we all piled into the van, I was lucky enough to ride shotgun, and drove three hours to a little village named Bad Bayersoien. When we arrived at BB, we got settled and went out to lunch at a restaurant I don't remember, toured the town that my teachers great aunt I think it was, lived it, visited her, then we ate dinner at an italian restaurant believe it or not. After dinner, we went back to the....bed and breakfast I guess you could call it, and I passed out in my room, not to be awakened for a long time. End of Day one.

Bad habits

I was thinking the other day about habits and how some are bad habits. I'll admit that I have bad habits, like chewing my nails or cracking anything that I can, i.e. knuckles and spine. I learned my bad habits from watching others, like my family, when I was younger. I am not sure about others, but my habits show up when I am nervous or when I am thinking, crewing my nails and cracking my joints, respectively. There are other habits that I know of but don't do that are worse habits, like smoking, and there are better habits, like drawing a picture. Now that I have thought about my habits, I wonder what other peoples habits are.

Am I being left behind?

As I was mowing the lawn today, I had some time to think. Normally this is a good thing, and I can plan out these blogs. But today I got to thinking about my friends, and I realized something. I realized that my friends might be leaving me in their pasts and I have, in my depressed state, not realized that.  Some friends are always busy at work or doing homework, while I am stuck in the past. All of my friends keep getting or are still in relationships, and I feel because I don't know what that is like, they look down on me subconsciously. Some friends don't even talk to me anymore, and I feel like those that still do only because they are being polite. When we do talk, I have to struggle to talk with most of them, its always short answers. I understand that this is just my mind telling me things, and that they are just really busy, growing up and being adults and all, I just wish they would leave me a note every now and then telling me how they are or something. I live in Texas, I am far away from all of my friends. So I have been asking myself for two hours now, am I being left behind?

Male Stereotypes

It really bothers me when other men perpetuate the male stereotypes that men are liars, cheaters, and other negative traits. All my life I have been struggling to prove that not all men are these traits, but it has been an uphill. I admit that I have lied in the past, but I have been striving to correct that mistake, and I have never nor will I ever cheat on someone. I have sworn to myself and to God never to cheat on my significant other, when I get one. I also promised to God that I would always be there for my children when I have them. I always hear these stories about unfaithful boyfriends or husbands, fathers that abandoned their families, boyfriends who lie and abuse their girlfriends. I will gladly swore an oath right here, right now, to always remain faithful, never abuse or use. I make no such promise about lying, but that is a work in progress. I need to stop, I am rambling and repeating myself now, so I'll leave with this. Not all men are evil, nor does every man have these negative traits, and I will do my damnedest to prove these stereotypes wrong.

Rape, and my thoughts on it

Rape is a terrible thing to have happened to you. I myself have neither raped nor have been raped, and I thank the Lord for that. I couldn't live with myself in either situations. I recently got out of group therapy, and a lot of the group members were raped or molested. Being there showed me just how disgusting rape is, it has literally torn people apart and destroyed their lives to the point that they can not have a steady relationship. My opinion on rape is it is a disgusting subject to even think about, but it must be talked about to try to prevent it. Rape is immoral and only people...no, filth who even try to do it should not be considered human. Victims of rape should know that there are people, including me, who will listen to them and not judge them. I also would suggest that they seek help so that they can move past the trauma.

Gaia

I have a dog, whom I named Gaia, because of the colors her coat is. The colors of her coat are mostly black, some white, and a little brown, looking at her made me think of earth, and I have an affinity for history and myths so, I quickly came up with the mother goddess of the earth from the greek pantheon, Gaia. I'll tell you it was a lot better than calling her what my mother wanted to. Gaia is a blue healer, I think, and I believe she is also part beagle because of how she looks. She is very affectionate to the point it drives my parents and I crazy and she always wants attention.

S and D are crazy

My brother and father are nuts. They are currently doing a MS 150, where for about two days they ride a total of 150 miles on their bikes. The crazy part is they will do another one in a week or two. If I trained, i might be able to do one of them, but two so close together is just crazy.  I am currently sitting in the guest room of my brothers house watching his dog and mine while my mother has gone out on errands. Me and my mother are going out with a friend of my brother for dinner, so i got to get ready soon.

Sry prt 2

I was traveling to my brothers house all day, never got time to do a blog when people will see it...wow that sounded self-centered. Sorry none today

"Graduation"

Today I "graduated" from group therapy, which means that the therapists think I am mentally stable to not need group therapy. I still need to make check ups, but for the most part I am depression free. I do not feel as anxious as when I started group, and as far as I can tell, my depression is none existent. In group I had to consistently talk to people I did not know, and that helped me tremendously with my social anxiety. I will not say my social anxiety is completely gone, because that would be a lie. During the graduation, people came up to me and thanked me, they learned that they can get better just by being in my presence, I didn't understand that, but I just smiled and shook their hands. Other people gave me accolades like how intelligent I was, how much I listen, I am very observant, great personality, and other complements. Graduating from group therapy made me happy, knowing now that I can change for the better.

Boundaries

Boundaries, or personal space as it is sometimes known as, need to be respected. I will be the first to admit that I have invaded peoples personal space, and I will forever regret it. I have lost friends because of it and it makes me sad. Without boundaries, misunderstandings can occur and cause all sorts of trouble. Boundaries sat limits to what someone is comfortable with, and this can help people with anxiety disorders. For example, off the top of my head, if someone pushes me to hard to do something, I will close up or leave because they are invading my boundaries. We need boundaries to function as a society, with out boundaries, the government can encroach on us and take our freedoms. In a sense, civilization is built on boundaries, and they themselves keep us in comfort.

Asleep at the Wheel

For some reason, I have been getting tired when I am getting ready to drive somewhere, usually a few minutes after I start driving. The weirdest part is that up until I start driving, I am full of energy, but for some reason, when I start to drive, I get sleepy. I have heard several stories about fatal car accidents because people fell asleep at the wheel. I am worried that one day, I really will fall asleep at the wheel, so I try to sleep enough and stay awake when I need to be.

Anger

Is anger ever justified when turned against someone? I believe that some anger is actually acceptable, it can help motivate you as well as vent frustrations. However, at the same time, anger could consume your whole identity, where for years, all you knew was anger. There are stories out there about people who, at my age became angry at someone, and now they are in their fifties who finally give up the anger, but they don't know who they are or what to do, because anger was who they were. When I am angry, I immediately deal with my anger, just so I don't let it consume me. Another form of anger is a blind rage, where you see red and don't realize what you are doing. Blind rages are another form of anger consuming you, and I myself have never gone into one, but I can only assume that when someone has a blind rage, and then comes out of it, they probably would have done something they would regret. So is anger justified, only in manageable doses is my opinion.

Love

Today, September 25th 2011, marks the thirty-fifth wedding anniversary of my parents. On this day, all those years ago, they stood before a pastor and declared to all the world their love for each other. Thirty-five years, to some it passed in a blink of an eye, for two it was the time of their lives. Amazing how they are still together when many marriages don't last that long now a days. Their marriage has lasted through the ups and downs that life throws at you. Milestones like the birth of your children and grandchildren, to bad times, like when you loose your jobs or the occasional arguments.When I sit back and watch how much my parents still love each other, I find myself wishing and hoping that when I get married, that my marriage lasts just as long, and longer, and the love and attraction is as alive as theirs. Happy anniversary Mom and Dad.

Love W, your son

Hiccups

Ok, I have been doing a lot of serious entries, so today I will do one that is not so serious. Is it weird that I like the way it feels when I hiccup? My mother hates when I do it because apparently it is loud when I do hiccup. There are actually times when I burp and hiccup at the same time, and every time my mother yells at me. Every time I hiccup, I can't help smiling when I do it.

Well my brother is visiting this weekend, so I'll keep this short, see ya

Missed Opportunities

The other day, while in therapy, it was brought to my attention that I might have missed opportunities to date when I was younger. That I wore metaphorical blinders to these opportunities, worn because of my poor self image.  When I was told this, I started to think about it, and I realized that that was true, I thought that I wasn't good enough to ask anyone out, or that I would be out right rejected. I didn't have the courage to do this, and I still don't, nor do I know how to fix it. Many people have responded with surprise when I mention that I have never had a relationship, they say that I'm "cute",( mostly spoken by people more than a little older than me). I'm told I have a great personality that people like being around me, and yet I still have bad self image.

I'm doing the write thing

The other day I learned that what I'm doing here is actually encouraged by the councilors. I was told that journaling/blogging helps those with anxiety and depression because, for one thing, it gets those annoying thoughts that are bugging you out of your head. Another reason its good is because it might actually bring to light the reason you are depressed or have anxiety. I can definitely say with certainty that writing things down does have an advantageous result because I feel a lot lot less headaches since I started doing this. Its like there is more room in my head for newer thoughts and the thoughts are not overflowing and giving me headaches.

My Reaction

Lately I have been in a place where there has been a lot of talk about suicide, I myself have not threatened, thought about doing it, or tried to commit suicide; but being where I have been frequently the past couple of weeks, it is a major issue, and it has gotten me thinking about just how many people have thought or tried to basically murder themselves, as my therapist calls it. Hearing about how those who tried to commit suicide were leaving behind families and friends that would be devastated if they had succeeded, has made me reaffirm my decision, or oath if you will, to never even think about putting my family and what little friends I have through that. 

The group therapist actually told the group and I that he has done many psychodramas about suicide and that in  EVERY single one of those suicide attempts, there was actually anger at the root of the attempt. Anger at someone, they wanted someone to hurt, make them feel what the person who tried to kill themselves felt. That actually surprised a lot of people in the group, including me. I always thought that it was because they wanted to make the pain stop, not to get back at someone.

I do not know if anyone I know has thought, tried, or even succeeded in committing suicide, but I know I would be devastated at the needless murdering of ones self. I could handle it if someone I knew died of natural causes, but to voluntarily kill yourself, I just don't know what to say, I would never get over it

Sit up and Listen

Body posture is one of the silent ways of communication, and a lot of the time, I try to be mindful of my body posture. Some times when I am uncomfortable, I realize I am leaning towards someone or something that comforts me. If I don't feel like talking I will cross my arms in front of my chest. Sometimes when I slouch in a chair, I am usually tired or comfortable, so if you see me slouching in a chair, ask if I'm either of the two before asking me something else. If I am leaning forward when sitting down, I am listening with all of my attention, not trying to invade your personal space, and if I am bored, trust me you'll know.

I'm not FINE, I'm good

I recently learned something pretty funny, to me at least. I learned that fine stands for F**ked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. From now on I will try not to say "I'm fine", but "I'm doing good" instead. Lately I have been quite happy to be honest, I have been going to therapy to get some help, there I said it, and that has helped me realize some things and helped me work through some anxiety. I am actually on half days now, instead of full days, and that has made me a little happier and frees up my afternoons a lot. It was actually one of my therapists who told me what being fine really means. Another way I'm happy is writing these blogs, it lets me get out a lot of thoughts and it feels like some weight is lifted a little with each blog. My sleep schedule has normalized, some what as well, where before, I was sleeping twenty hours one day, and then the next, I was up for almost three days straight. I'm eating healthier since I started therapy, resulting in weight loss and more energy. So from not on, I'm not fine, I'm doing good.

Grief

The other day, I realized that I have not grieved the deaths of my grandparents, except for my mothers mom. When I grieved for her, it was a cloudy gloomy day, I was not feeling well, and i was probably a half hour drive from where she lived with my grandfather when they were both still alive. All these factors, including the stress of my first job, caused me to start crying and I was told to go to the "beach house" where half the aquatics staff lived during the summer. When I got there, I was still crying, and I laid down on the couch and cried myself to sleep, to awaken in time for lunch, and I was fine after that. Of my other grandparents, I have never really grieved. I think I distanced myself so I would accept their deaths more easily and I would not be affected as much, I especially distanced myself from my fathers parents after an incident at the retirement community when an old man yelled at me for making a mistake when I didn't realize I was doing it. Thankfully my grandfather bowed up to him (defended me and got in his face), but the damage was done, and I was sort of afraid to go back, incase that old man was there again. Also, my grandmother was suffering from Alzheimer's, so she wasn't really the grandmother I grew up knowing, so I kind of had to walk on egg shells around her, at least in my mind I had to. So there is another insight into the madness that is my head.

Stress

Recently, as in the past four or five years, my stress levels have been steadily increasing. It started with the death of my grandfather on my mothers side, who suffered from dementia. Following shortly there after by his wife, my grandmother on my mothers side, who died from a doctors mistake. Then I graduated from high school and moved with my parents to Texas, where I did not know anyone. Before I could acclimate myself to my new home environment, I was whisked away off to collage, where not even my family was. While this was going on, my fathers parents health started to circle the drain so to speak. The first to go was my other grandmother, whom suffered from Alzheimers, and she died right in the middle of final exams, so I pretty much failed a few tests. Next my other grandfather passed from what I think was complications of a stroke, but I'm not sure at this moment. If you can not tell, I have had a lot of stress piled on in recent years, and I have most likely forgot or left out a lot.

Talking too much

There has always been people who talk too much. They talk out of turn and interrupts constantly, especially if they disagree with something someone says. They are rude and usually don't care about it. Sometimes they talk so much that it overwhelms a lot of people, not me, I don't really get overwhelmed from others talking too much, I just tune them out. Although there have been times when it gets to me as well, and it ends up usually bumming me out. A lot of the time, these people are cutting others off and no one corrects them because they really don't feel like wasting their breaths, because people will usually cut people off again shortly there after.

Friendship

Cherish your friends, your true friends, for when you need them the most, they will be there to pick you up. If they are true friends, you can tell them anything and they wont make fun of you, well, at least until you can laugh about it later.Do not ever push your friends away, for when you need them, you wont have them around. True friends are people to hangout with when you are feeling bored, lonely, or you just feel like hanging out with someone. Also, don't neglect new people, one of them could become your new best friend, or even dating material. Trust your friends and they will in turn trust you in return, and if you help them out in their time of needs, they will reciprocate when you need them. Fights are to be expected, but don't be afraid to apologize, because you don't want to make an enemy out of a friend. Tell me what you think.

Remembering 9/11

Ten years ago, on this day, a terrible tragedy occurred. Four airplanes were hijacked by an extremist Muslim group named al-Qaeda, a total of 19 of them were directly responsible for the hijacks, all of whom died. Two of the airplanes, American Airlines flight 11 and United Airlines flight 175, were flown into the World Trade Center, also known as the "Twin Towers" completely destroying it. About two hours after the planes crashed into the towers, both collapsed, causing massive amounts of debris and dust to spread outward in New York City, New York. As a result of this attack, 2,606 died in the towers and on the ground, 411 of which were emergency workers.

A third plane, American Airlines flight 77, was hijacked and flown into the Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia. A total of 125, fifty-five of which were military personnel, were killed in the crash.

A final fourth plane, United Airlines flight 93, was hijacked and crashed into a field near Shanksville, Pennsylvania, after its passengers attempted to take control before it could hit its intended target, the Capitol building in Washington D.C. All 40 people, not including the hijackers, perished on the ill fated flight. In total, 2,977 people died, 246 of whom were the planes passengers, perished in this terrible tragedy.



When all of this happened, I was in band class in I think the sixth grade. We were let out early because of this and at the time, I was happy, because I didn't know what happened and I got out of school early. When I got home, my father was there and he explained what was happening, and I felt disgusted with myself for being happy. Unfortunately, I don't remember where my mother, sister, or brother were.

I would just like to ask you if you are reading this, to take a moment of silence for those who died on that fateful day ten years ago.

Eye Doctor

I had an eye doctors appointment today, and I cant really see too well. See ya later, maybe

It's So Frustrating

Today I realized how frustrated I am with myself, I just can not bring myself to care about others, feel sympathy, or relate to others. I am frustrated that I can not understand what others are feeling, I feel so selfish. I am frustrated because I can not help anyone because I don't understand these things, which leads to me not caring. I like helping people, but without understanding, I don't know what to do. I have met people who have been abused, who have been molested, or have mental illnesses; but I just can not feel any compassion or bring myself to care. I wish I could help.... so much.

Pity parties

Let me start out by saying I mean no offense to anyone, but sometimes I get annoyed when someone is telling me a sob story. Its annoying because I can't understand what their problem is. Lately I have been sitting in a group, watching, and there has been at least two people who are pretty much constantly crying. I find myself thinking "God, stop crying, get over it," I won't name anyone or talk about their problems. I could never be a psychologist, I have a hard time understanding their sides, I do try to understand them, but I have never experienced what they have gone through. I get angry at myself because I can't bring myself to care or pity them, I don't know how to respond. Instead of the appropriate responses, I just smile or laugh, roll my eyes when no ones looking, and this tends to hurt peoples feelings.

Thoughts of the past (part 2 other schools )

I was thinking of friends from my past, mostly from other high schools, like NWHS or DHS. One such friend who is one of my better friends, although a lot of people have asked my why, is B. I first met B when I joined troop 1**5, he was technically an older boy and a role model I guess. After a while, we would hang out outside of boy scout activities, like we would ride mountain bikes on a course near his house. Another time we went into the woods near my house with some of his pellet guns, and I'm not trained like he is by the AR, so I'm not that good, I'll admit it, but the funny thing is, one time when I was running away, shooting behind me, I actually hit him between the eyes, luckily i missed his eyes. Mind you, he is, or at least he was the last time i saw him, very physically fit, so when I accidentally hit between his eyes, he kicked the crap out of me. Funnily enough, I'm pretty sure that same day he t-boned a car with me in the passengers side of his truck. On the down side, he isn't the smartest knife in the drawer, and is very much... active...i guess you can say. Which leads people to question my association with him a lot, but I just respond that he has good qualities as well, and we have fun hanging out.I am very fortunate to still be in relative contact with him, via instant messages and text messages, well, not text messages much lately, I have been having trouble with my phone lately. Another friend of mine whom I also met in the scouts was B, and when we first met, we HATED each other, but I cant remember why. Now we are like best friends or something and I don't remember how that happened either, I actually went on a fifty mile bike ride with him, his father, and B, to help him finish up the last merit badge, I think the last, before he could get his eagle, which was cutting it close, like a week or something before his eighteenth birthday, which is the cut off for boy scouts. Once again, I am fortunate to still be in some form of contact with him as well. A third friend I made in the past was a girl named S, who went to the same school as B. She was a pretty girl who was about a year or two younger than me, and we really met in the venture crew she pretty much ran, but I might have met her at an earlier time, but I don't remember (sorry S if your reading this (doubt it, no one reads these things besides family)). To be honest, I probably would never had done some things if she hadn't pushed for it, like the venture crew trip to the Bahamas, or going/working at wilderness emergency survival/first aid thing. I am glad I had the pleasure to have last seen her at her house at a party, which I don't remember what it was for, but me R, B, and her hung out in her hot tub while the adults were upstairs socializing, while we just hung out and chatted as well. Unfortunately I haven't really had contact with her in recent years as well. Like I said last time, if I have forgotten about you, don't feel bad, leave a message or something to get the creative juices flowing....that still doesn't sound right. oh well, see you tomorrow....maybe.

Thoughts of the past (part 1 SV)

While in the car on the way home from San Antonio, I got to thinking about the past. Mostly about friends from high school, and after school  activities. I remember one of my more favorite friends, his name is R, and we spent a moderate time together, mostly because we were in the same boy scout troop, had similar class schedules sometimes, and were both on the marching band. I would like to think that I had a standing invite whenever he threw a party after football games. We actually passed our board of review for the eagle rank at the same place at the same time, me beating him by about five minutes, so technically I was the first from my year (those who joined with me) to get my eagle, followed by R. R was at first a little on the large side, but he eventually thinned down and put on muscle when he joined the fire fighter academy or something. Another friend of mine who went to high school with me was H, who was in similar classes as me sometimes as well. We were both on the swim team for all four years, in the marching band for all four years, and hung out outside of school a few times. Like one time we went to a laser tag place with a bunch of other friends, I think R was there as well, and we chatted a little, like one question was about the size of gi .... ahem, never mind, lets just move on from there. Anyway, she was a very pretty girl, and I assume she has retained her attractiveness, unfortunately I sort of lost contact with her in recent years, except for the occasional facebook message. A third friend from high school was M(L) her name was M but everyone called her L. She was incredibly smart and was on the marching band as well. She was very pretty and funny, we had this little game during football games were i would do her favors or say something nice and she would give me brownie points, which now that I think about it, I never got a prize for all those points. As with H, I unfortunately have had little to no contact with her in recent years. Another friend of mine was named C, we went to the same church and were on the same troop for boy scouts, his father was pretty important in both places last I knew. C and his father actually invited me to go to a NCAA lacrosse quarterfinals match in Baltimore, I think Duke and Johns Hopkins were there, which was incredibly fun, and afterwards, we ate at an ice cream place. We also celebrated his 18th birthday i believe, in the bahamas during a sailing high adventure trip for venture crew.   On said trip, his father actually fell over board, while we were docked by the way, trying to rescue a part to the coffee maker pot, its an adult leader thing. C was always tall and lanky since I knew him, I assume he hasn't changed since I last saw him, which was a few years ago. If I forgot to mention anyone who was my friend in high school, TOO BAD, just kidding, I apologize, I just forgot to write about you, if its that important, send me a message to inspire my thoughts....that sounded sketchy for some reason. Anyway, stay tooned for part two, lol.

Labor Day Weekend

This weekend my parents and I spent time in San Antonio. We arrived at the hotel and went out to eat at a saloon type restaurant off of E. Houston. After lunch we went to see the Alamo, and to be honest, overrated, it was smaller than I expected and was in the middle of the city when I thought it was outside the city limits. After the Alamo, we had dinner on the "River walk" basically a flea market on a river with a lot of restaurants as well. Today, we went to a very flamboyant church is all I can say, We spent all day also celebrating the ninetieth birthday of my deceased grandmother's brother on my fathers side. After we left him at his home, we had steak dinner at my fathers cousins house. There my father proceeded to a few too many glasses of wine and get into political arguments. Tomorrow we plan on going home.

Lack of sleep (read with caution)

Lately I have been having trouble sleeping, last night I had three dreams that had the same topic, the end of the world. In these dreams I was watching the Apocalypse for all intents and purposes. What was happening was basically there were nine instances where people were taken to one of the circles of Dante's hell in the first dream. Then in the second dream people were taken to a seven layered hell, one level for each of the seven deadly sins. In the final dream I was reciting psalm 23 while blindfolded, while Death, in this case the embodiment of death i.e. the grim reaper, is judging me, and temptations are trying to tempt me.  Fortunately or unfortunately, I awaken before I hear the results, at three in the morning. It goes without saying that I was a little unnerved, so I stayed awake for the rest of the night.

These dreams make me wonder where I will go when I die. I look back and try to make sense of my life and I see instances where I could consider having sinned one of the seven sins, and I worry about the consequences. I wonder what Death will see when I am given my final judgement. I fear for my inevitable death, for I don't know what is beyond the veil so to speak. Now I'm starting to fall asleep since I haven't slept since three in the morning.

So I'm an uncle now

Apparently I am an uncle now. A few days ago my sister gave birth to a baby girl, now I knew about it when I woke up the next morning, I just was not inspired by my muse to write about it, still am not, but I figured I'd talk about it. I don't feel any different now that I am an uncle. By the way, I think her name is Julie Ann, named after my grandmothers, but I kinda woke up just now so I can't be too sure for another hour or three. So as I was saying, I don't feel any different, but one thing I realized shortly after hearing about the rush to the hospital from my mother was now she can't complain when I call her grandma now, cause all of the pregnancy is done and she can't run from the truth now....now if i can just get her to realize dying her hair light colors doesn't make her look younger....HINT HINT. So Im done for now, see ya i guess

Finite or Infinite?

Today was the first full day since I returned to my parents house and my mother left. Surprisingly my dad was civil and pretty much left me to my own devises, and if he needed me to do something he didn't demand it to be done. So I figured I wouldn't make a fuss about it and thus I weeded the vegetable garden, watered the flowers, took Gaia for a walk, fed her, and other miscellaneous tasks her asked me to do, I just hope he can keep it up. While weeding, I think I burned my feet, because when I walk, the soles of my feet feel weird, so I will wear shoes when working in the garden next time, especially if it breaks one hundred-ish again.

Earlier today, I was watching a show with dad and Gaia featuring Morgan Freeman, called Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman. It is basically a show about theoretical physics, this particular episode I was watching was particularly interesting to me because it explored the possibility of there being an edge to the universe and if there was something beyond it. A few months ago, I had asked my dad if there was an edge to the universe, if there was a point where the known universe stopped and he said that the universe is infinite. That conversation left me unconvinced, because I have a hard time believing that it is infinite, I think there is always something larger.

In the episode, three or four scientists put forth theories trying to prove that the universe is actually finite. One theorized that the edge is like a game of asteroids, where if you leave the screen to the left, you will end up on the right and go through a continuous loop, the same for up and down. Another scientist put forth the theory that the universe is shaped like a dodecagon (a twelve sided shape), or affectionately called the soccer ball shape. Another scientist discovered that some galaxies are traveling towards a common spot that could not be determined. After that was published, another scientist theorized that that spot is where another universe is touching ours and is pulling those galaxies towards it. Which lead to the statement of every comic book super hero fanatics wet dream, a multiverse, where there are actually more than one universe out there. At this point, Gaia began to start bothering me to go out, so I missed the last ten or so minutes of the show.

Next weeks episode is asking wether time exists or if it is a human invention to explain the universe around us.

All around the World

Today I was looking at my blogs stats and I noticed that I have had at least one paige view from four of the seven continents. The newest one was from Russia, so I count that as Asia, so now I have at least one page view from North and South America, Europe (fourteen from Germany, twelve from France) and of course Asia. All thats left is Africa and Australia (yes, I remembered Antarctica, but there are so few people there at any given time, I will not keep my hopes up for that one.)

Speaking of continents, I actually would love to travel to each continent at least once, including Antarctica. So far I have been to North America (of course) and to Europe (Germany). When I go to Asia, I hope it will be to Japan and South America I hope to go to Tierra Del Fuego, an archipelago at the southern tip of South America. In Africa, I hope to go to Egypt and Madagascar, the first for the ruins, and the second because that was where the "pirate king" Henry Avery created a pirate republic. Antarctica and Australia are both single country continents so I'll just figure them out before I visit them.

Of course I would love to go to specific countries as well, but I haven't decided which ones I would like to go to. So far I have come up with Russia, Italy, France, England, Ireland, China, India, Brazil, Chile, and Argentina. Unfortunately I probably wont be able to go to those places in the near future, so I shall continue to dream about the day I can try.

Finally, I would like to visit all fifty states in the United States.

Plain and Simple

Sometimes people p*** me off

Today as I was taking Gaia on a bike ride, meaning I rode my bike and she ran alongside, I noticed a particularly large amount of trash around the development I live in. I immediately returned home and grabbed a bag to try to pick up as much as I could, unfortunately there was so much trash, I couldn't get it all. When I was in Germany awhile back, I noticed how little trash there was in the villages and I also saw residents picking up trash and then mutter something that I later learned was German for "Damn Americans can't resist littering." On a side note, I never litter without realizing it, and I try to pick up the trash if I miss.

It is not just the trash all over the place, it is also peoples attitudes sometimes. They seem to think they are top dog and bully those perceived lower than them, or think they deserve everything to be handed to them, granted I am a little like that, but I am trying to change that part of me. Then there is all the -isms, like racism, sexism, and others of similar prejudges. Its disgusting how we treat others, myself included. I admit, I am uncomfortable around mentally handicapped people, I apologize, I just don't know how to act around them, so I try to avoid or ignore them to keep from having to interact with them.

Depression is not fun

Today was my birthday. Of course I was wished a happy birthday by family, to whom I thank. Unfortunately, when I logged on to Facebook today, only one person besides family made any mention of my birthday, and for that I thank HS from high school. Now I am not trying to sound selfish, I just like to know that people who aren't family realize I am still alive and leave some form of message to me. Now I do suffer from a minor depression, so I am probably blowing this out of proportion, but on top of all of that, my mother leaves tomorrow to be with my sister for two-ish months or until my first niece/nephew is born. In addition, I am still trying to find a job, with my fathers completely unnecessary badgering everyday, but it is slow to show results. Sometimes I get so tired of it, but after some video games, playing with Gaia, and reading, I feel better and go back out and try to continue where I left off.

Visions Haunt Me Through the Night

Periodically I have these dreams when I sleep that I am convinced are visions of the future. For example, when my mother still owned a blue mini van with only one sliding door, I had a dream that my mom had a golden mini van with both side door slider things. Shortly after that, my mother came home with the exact thing I dreamed about. Another example was of my brother running around with a white four legged bundle of fur, and thew next thing I know, he had got a dog named Skye. Recently I had a dream that involved my sister and a baby. I am not sure of the gender, but I remember carrying it around and laying it down in a crib. I think there were male motifs, but that could just be my brother-in-laws wishful thinking for all I know.

There are also dreams I have that are really nightmares, consistently they are of me being homeless, or of me at a funeral and not caring about the person who had died. Now the latter part is more likely because I try to keep people at arms length so I don't get close to them. A fine example of this method of mine is made obvious at the deaths of all of my grandparents. When I heard about them passing, I was surprised for sure, but I wasn't sad. In fact I didn't feel anything, although that does worry me, I am a little happy that I had no reaction, none of the stages of grief effected me. I wasn't sad, angry, in denial, nor was I trying to make a deal  to change it. All that happened was for me to accept that death happens and I moved on with my life.

Jury Duty

The other day I received a jury summons in the mail, and this time I did not have an excuse to get out of it. So naturally I asked my dad if I became a citizen of another country and still lived in America, if I would have diplomatic immunity. Apparently thats only for diplomats and maybe their immediate family, he was never clear about that. So I then asked what the consequences of ignoring the summons was, and I think the answer was either a fine and/or jail time, now I do not think prison would agree with me, so I figured I'd just go to jury duty and get it over with.

Basically what happened was I showed up at the time given to me to show up. I then preceded to sit for about half an hour waiting for the judge or someone to explain what was going to happen. After some lady, I wasn't paying attention to her name, explained what was going to happen, one of the judges came in and split us up into panels. I was put in the eleven o'clock panel, meaning I had about two hours to kill....probably should not say that when I was in a court house. What I did with that time is of no concern to you so I will just skip that section. At eleven, I returned to where I was told to go and after a few minutes, the judge I was assigned to came out and told the panel I was in that all cases (five of them that day) had plead out or something. So I went home after stopping at a few places to ask about jobs, but thats not important to this topic so I'll skip it as well.

What's in your head zombie?

Recently I have begun reading a book about the hundred years war that lasted from 1337 to 1453. It was fought between the English and French over the rightful claim to the french thrown. I just recently started it and in the early years of the wars, yes thats right, I said wars. It turns out that it was actually a period of on again off again wars, not one single war that lasted one hundred years. Anyway, apparently the invasion of Normandy on D-day was not as original as I was lead to believe. In reality, on "13 July 1346 the English armada landed at La Hogue, on the Cherbourg Peninsula." (pg. 58, The Hundred Years War by Desmond Seward). That is actually about five hundred and ninety-eight years before the 1944 invasion.

After reading that, it has made me wonder how many other "original" plans were actually taken from history. Unfortunately I am not that motivated to cross reference all of that, so I'm just going to guess a lot. When I learned this fact, I was reminded of a quote from one of my favorite movies, Endless Waltz, which actually has nothing to do with dancing believe it or not. Anyway, the quote that I remembered is, "History is much like an endless waltz, the three beats of war, peace, and revolution continue on forever" Ignoring the obvious pessimistic view at the end of the quote, it basically means that history repeats itself.

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Returning to Church

When I am not in a church service, and expressing my faith through my actions and through questions to people to further my faith, I feel like I am part of a religion that has roots in the ancient world that is amazing and awe inspiring. I guess what I am trying to saw is that I don't really like going to church as a building, but rather interact in my religion through actions, such as volunteering, and having conversations in a more private setting. Like how Christianity started out when it was being persecuted by the ancient Roman Empire, they would meet in secret and discuss their beliefs. Now I am not saying that Christianity should be persecuted and meet in secret, I'm just saying I would prefer a more intimate setting. Now I might change my perception and opinion of church buildings in the future, because despite what some people say, somethings can and do change.

Now to prove my father wrong.

Today at church the sermon that was given was about a scottish woman who worked at a steel factory until she was twenty-eight or something around that age. When all her siblings were grown, she decided to become a missionary and was sent to a region in Africa around the Ivory Coast. At first, it was slow moving, but eventually she built dozens of buildings (yes I said BUILT) which gave sanctuary to twins because in the region she was sent, twins were seen as a curse and were placed in earthen pots(?) and "returned to nature". Another building she built that was a church, ended up with a congregation or about ten thousand strong. This woman eventually died in 1915, she was upset that she hadn't done enough that she could have done.

Yes dad, I do pay attention to the sermons.

intemporaliter in nostrum memoria

Today is Memorial Day in America, a day of remembrance of those who gave their lives or have served our country in time of war. Both of my grandfathers served in World War II. My mothers father served on a ship as a radio operator and my fathers father repaired airplanes in the China/Burma area. I know, not as amazing as "my grandfather was in at the battle of the bulge" or  "my grandfather was at Iwo Jima" but none the same, I am proud of my grandfathers to have stepped up and done what they could in the name of America. Some people don't even know their grandfathers, fathers, mothers, or any other family member because they sacrificed their lives to ensure that others could survice and to keep America free. Unfortunately for me, I never told my grandfathers how proud I was to be their grandson, because they have since passed away before I could realize the valor in their actions.

I would love to always remember and look back on those who have served and have died in said service. I thank them for everything they have done.

For they shall be eternally in our memories.
intemporaliter in nostrum memoria

Busy body

It's been a while since I last wrote, and I have a reason for that. I have been busy rearranging my room, looking for a job, and the usual lackluster laziness, (in order of most done). My room is done being painted, its a light green color, and while painting it, my father "accidentally" knocked over my xbox 360 and broke the internet connector. Funny how that happened shortly after the xbox live came back... very suspicious, just kidding, I know it was an accident. I was recently talking with a friend back from high school, and she is having trouble with.... a pet lets call it, well anyway, she sounded worried about making the decision of whether or not to... put her pet in time out, so I gave her some none committing advice (neither a yes on no) and told her its basically her decision in the end, but then I told her that I have never put a pet in time out so to speak, so I wouldn't really know the right thing to do.

I'm thinking of writing a story in Microsoft word but every time I have tried in the past, I got writers block or something. Its kinda like when I read, sometimes I'm really into it, but other times I can't get into it. Does everyone have these kind of problems. Last night I convinced my mother to cook chicken enchiladas and we all agreed after eating it that it was a good decision, its funny how I lived in Texas for four ought years and I never acquired a taste for mexican food, but not three weeks into my stay at BK's, I start liking it, in North Carolina of all places, you'd think there I would start to like biscuits and grits or something. I learned the other day NOT to wear shorts when using the weed whacker (thats the hand held thing that spins cord or something right?), It really hurts and leaves big cuts when the mulch is blasted into my body. Luckily I was wearing glasses, because I actually got hit in the eye lens of them, unfortunately my mother was there at the time and I didn't know that and I said somethings I am not proud of, sorry mom, God, the manufactures of the mulch and weed whacker, the landscapers, the makers of adhesive bandages, and that rose bush in the front yard...ok maybe not the weed whacker, that thing is out to get me, I swear.

painting

I don't like roller painting, i prefer brushes
I'm sleepy

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Comments

Today I read a comment about how someone hadn't read in a while and asked how I was. Unfortunately I have no idea who it was who asked so I will respond this way. This summer I have been doing nothing, I say that because I just got back to Texas after taking care of my pregnant sister and doing things for her. I will have to repaint my room soon, aparently my parents do not really like the patch work I did when I put my foot through my wall on acident, or was it my knee? I do not remember, it was awhile ago and a lot of things have happened since then. Any way, I will be painting my room in the near future, and then I will devote my full attention to getting a job.

In case your wondering, I also check my facebook for comments for this.
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Holy Birthings Batman, I'm almost 22!

As I was posting the previous post, I noticed that it was exactly one month until my twenty-second birthday. This brings me back to an earlier post, where did all the time go? I really need to get my life back on track, in three years and one month I'll be a quarter of a century old, and at the rate I have been going, I'll still be with my parents. That cannot happen, I need to get a job really soon. Now if I can only figure out what that job will be, then I can make steps to get back on the path.

Now for something completely different.

When did Gaia get so small, seriously!!!!

I have been asked how I come up with these posts, and to be honest its spontaneous and train of thought, seriously, its that easy.

Honey, I Shrunk The Dogs

Sorry I haven't written in a while, I was driving from Nags Head all the way to Texas with my father. I stopped along the way home at three places, the first day was at my cousins home in Atlanta, It was kinda short notice so I was lucky to be allowed to spend the night, because it turns out that they were leaving to somewhere north for their anniversary or something this weekend. Next I stopped at my uncle and aunt (whom shall hence forth be Uncle J and Aunt J). Recently, Uncle J had a stroke, and that shocked the seven circles of hell out of me. He was the least likely to have a stroke in my book and it surprised me. Then, I'm not sure when, but after that, a tornado almost hit his home, so that is two things that was messed up about the world now. So we decided just to stop by for lunch, which had tremendouse sandwhiches curtousy of my Aunt J. After lunch we continued on to my brothers house for the night, and saw that his dog was a lot smaller than I remember. We didn't really do much, except eat dinner at the Londerer (I am not sure on the spelling) where two friends of S joined. The next day, I pretty much slept the remaining trip to home and had to wait for the next day to see my dog Gaia again. When I entered my room, I immediately knoticed the paint staines on the carpet, my bed was out in peices from my room, and that my parents are hipocrates, THEY ATE PIZZA IN MY ROOM!!!!

No food in your room my foot.

Anyway, the next day, after washing the cars at home, eating lunch, realizing my parents have eating disorders after seeing how empty the fridge was (they were only gone a week, food doesnt spoil that fast MOM), and doing some other things, around three o'clock, we went to get Gaia. Was she always that small?

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