Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Today I started training for my new job, where I had to learn procedures and safety rules. Halfway through the computer training my knees started to hurt and I mean hurt. I had to stand up to ease the pain or stretch my legs. Half an hour later, and many stretches later, my knees did not hurt as much. I spent four hours sitting in front of a computer screen learning new things that I will try my hardest to remember but will most likely forget some things. I worry about this because I am on a sixty day probation, meaning if I do anything to give them cause to fire me, I get no warnings and they can fire me immediately. I wont say where I am working, just that I will be standing for long periods of time. The probation worries me and causes my anxiety levels to raise rapidly, because I will always be questioning if I am doing alright or if I am messing up. This leads to me worrying way to much and stressing out, which will probably lead to mistakes happening and me being fired for something insignificant. I have been told that I wont mess up or that I will do good, but that does not exactly help me with how I am feeling. I appreciate that people give me love and support, don't get me wrong, its just that they are just words, I am sorry to use an over used quote but "talk is cheap". People say fake it till you make it, but the fear of failing is so crippling, I don't know if I will make it sometimes, and this is only the second day that I have worked. Will this crippling fear get worse as time goes on? Will the fear go away? I do not know the answers to these questions, I wish I knew, I wish there was something I can wave or press or anything that will make my life easier, but there is nothing. I just have to take a deep breath, say a little prayier, and hope for the best. Unfortunately I have no friends to talk about my issues with, yes there is my family, but somethings you just do not talk to them about. Yes I have "friends" but over half of them never talk to me and the rest are new. I talk to them a little bit, but I am not comfertable dumping MY problems on them. They are my problems, I should deal with them myself, not bother people with what is bothering me. I am sorry if I have offended anyone with these statements, I did not mean it that way. I am such a hypocrite, I am always telling people they can tell me their problems, I'll listen to them and try to understand and give them my opinion, but when someone asks me if I have anything to deal with, "nothing, I'm good." L-I-E. I will always have something bothering me, I just never talk about it. It occurs to me that this might seem like a call for help or attention, and while it might be, I don't know, it is not my intention for it to be that way. It is just that I opened the floodgates and now it is just flowing. All this started because I started a job just two days ago. I am tired and my knees are starting to hurt again, so I'll stop here.