Miyazaki part one

I have decided to talk about one of my favorite director's movies and his studio that released several well made movies. My favorite director/producer is named Hayao Miyazaki, and he has been compared to Walt Disney in greatness of animated classics. I would go as far as to say he is Japan's Walt Disney, because all of Hayao Miyazaki's work are masterpieces, at least in my opinion. Now I know that some people don't like what people call, "anime" or japanese animation/cartoons, but I recommend watching these cartoons because they are not your typical "anime". Unlike typical "anime", Films from Hayao Miyazaki's studio, Studio Ghibli (ghi-bly), are full of depth, plot, realistic characters one can relate to, and wonderful artistic drawings. I said it before, but I believe that Miyazaki can be compared to Walt Disney in the way of creating timeless classics. I believe one can really fall in love with his movies if you just give them a chance.

Cold Days

Today was one of the first cold days I have experienced in a long time, and I loved it. It reminded me of when I lived in Maryland. I am weird in many ways, but one of my weird ways is I am comfortable in cold weather, I have been known to walk outside when it is snowing, bare foot, wearing no shirt, and wearing shorts. Obviously I like the cold and if I had my way, would live in a colder climate. My mother used to call me arctic boy, which originates from when I ran outside in the middle of winter wearing nothing but a dipper, at least thats what my mother tells me. I especially love camping in cold weather, because that means a good fire is mandatory. I have actually slept with a minimum of three fans on me at once before, unfortunately in my opinion, two of the fans have since broken, and thats not good. I still walk outside in cold weather with no shoes or a shirt on, I actually did just that just a couple of weeks ago. I wonder what other people think about cold weather?

Rain

I have a love hate relationship with rain and what accompanies it. Believe it or not, I loved listening to the rain hitting the canvas tents and other materials. If done right, you don't have to worry about water seeping in and making your canteen float away. I unfortunately also hate the rain when I am driving and it is coming down hard and there are other people around me, if I was alone on the road, I wouldn't mind a thunderstorm as much, but I don't know what will happen with the other drivers. I like listening to thunder if I am in a safe spot to listen, even under a rocky outcropping is alright with me. However, if I am in a position that I feel is unsafe, I hate thunder and lightning. I remember times when I was in the boy scouts, I would stay up late in the tent, listening to the rain, and eventually fall asleep listening to it, as well as hearing the thunder off in the distance.

Survived

When I picked my brother and father up a couple of weeks ago after their second MS 150 bike ride, they had ridden through wind, rain, lightening, and more rain. When finished and we were talking in the car, my brother made an interesting comment on finishing the race. When asked how he felt about finishing the race, he said one thing, "we survived."  I will admit, I was scared driving in the storm, but to ride their bikes all morning through it, nothing could compare for me with what they experienced. I would like to think it was especially troubling riding their bikes up a very steep, wet bridge with traffic whipping past you on the other side of a flimsy barrier. So I agree with his statement about surviving this bike race, and I am impressed that they persevered and finished the race.

Im Tired

too tired to do one, check in tommorrow

Gaia part 2

My dog is pretty funny and a little stupid. Today while we were playing with a tennis ball, I hit the ball in one direction and she ran in the complete opposite direction. This is not the first time she has done something that makes me question her intelligence. Other times she runs into doors and walls, we believe she is trying to open said doors because sometimes, if we leave the door cracked, she will barge right in with out a care of what is going on in the room at the time, like someone taking a shower... I love my dog dearly, but sometimes she is such a dumb dog.
There are also times when she can be smart, we can say "Go get your leash" and she will walk or run over to it and nudge it, sit down and wag her tail waiting for us to put her leash on her. Another example is when we say "Where is you such and such" usually a ball or a stuffed human figure with a squeaker in it that we call "little man", similar to what my sister does with her dog. When we ask her that question, she will run off and a few moments later will return with the item in question, eager to play.

Germany Part 2

My next memory of my visit to Germany was going to a cheese makers shop in the afternoon of the first day in Germany. This shop is located in the valley of several mountains, surrounded by fields of flowers. Also at the cheese makers was a goat, a few rabbits, and many other animals, like cows. Cows are all over Germany, I would venture to say Germany may have more cows than all of Texas. Later after the cheese makers, before dinner, we explored more of Bad Bayersoien, and saw a memorial to soldiers who died in World War Two. The next day we when to two castles, Schloss Hohenschwangau and Schloss Neushwanstein. The first is a beautiful castle that over looks the Alpsee Lake, and is a beautiful canary yellow. The second castle was built on a cliff overlooking Schloss Hohenschwangau, and is the castle that Walt Disney based his castle after. In both castles, we were shown many historical things from King Ludwig II life, in the first castle, which actually was his fathers, King Maximillian, we walked through a servants entrance and exit and we learned about Ludwig's childhood. In The second castle, we learned that Ludwig was fascinated by myths and legands, so much so that he has dozens of murals all over his castles.  All in all, it was a wonderful second day

Times of Trouble

     We all must go through times of great trouble. It may seem that some of us go through it more than others, and this is sometimes true. Most times it is before we are ready and it consumes our lives. I was talking to my friend M(L) recently and she has made me realize that no matter what age we are, there are always worries that we must deal with. Whether  it is about our families or ourselves, we will always worry. There is a quote from group therapy, "fake it till you make it," meaning that you should act some way until it happens to be the truth. For example, when some one is so depressed, they don't see a the good in any effort, they should fake being happy and content until it starts to be the truth because eventually all the faking will turn into real happiness. Another quote, which is actually a personal favorite, comes from an old song, "Que sera sera" meaning what will be will be. In other words, I believe that one shouldn't worry, because if it happens, it happens, and don't fixate on your worries, because it will only end in worse problems to come. So just let it happen, acknowledge that it is out of your power to do everything, and be happy.
     All of this may seem hypocritical of me, I realize that I have said in the past that I have worries, but I talk about my worries through this blog, and I get some feedback, so I can feel better about things and let things happen. I constantly worry about things; my life, my relationships, my family; I always try to keep to myself about my problems, but most recently I have been trying to fix this problem of mine. On the other hand, because I vent my worries and frustrations through this blog, I have actually made myself available to some others to vent to me, like a few of my friends do or have done in the past, which leads me to another blog entry I will do in the future, listening.

Living in the shadow of greatness

All my life I have felt that I was living in my sisters, brothers, and especially my fathers shadows. My brother was the all-american swimmer and advanced classes. My sister was the all star athlete who could play any sport and excel at it, and she was also in the advanced classes. My father, is the bike racer, money maker, smartest, and everything I strive to be, but have yet to accomplish. The only thing that is just mine is my eagle rank in the boy scouts. Even my mom is better at me in some things, like playing the piano, I may be able to play by ear on the piano, but only with my right hand, my mother can play with both hands and she can cook a mean lasagna and other things. For all the grief and kidding around with her, I believe my mother actually is smart and talented. I feel so overwhelmed living in the shadows of my family. Even my extended family cast long shadows, one of my uncles didn't finish college, but he is now fixing planes. Another uncle is a freaking doctor of ministry, so he has to be smart. On my mothers side, her brothers and sisters-in-laws are journalists, illustrators and lawyers. All of my cousins are successful in what they do, even if its just a family person, they are so good at it.
I feel that I need to push myself to excel because my family excels. When I went to high school, I was known as my brothers brother, or my sisters brother, I had to strive for my own identity. Everyone expects greatness from me but all this pressure bears down on me.  My entire family cast long shadows and I am in the dark because I feel like I am the only one who isn't good. I love my family don't get me wrong, and I am grateful that they do well and are very happy. Now my head is starting to ache from this so I'm going to stop before I have an aneurysm.

Avoidance

I live in a world of avoidance. I will be the first to admit it, I avoid things. I actually avoid writing about a lot of things. Lately I have been getting better at facing things, but I still hide in my room and avoid too many things. People my age go out and make things of themselves, while I sit alone in my room self-pitying myself. People make new friends and have jobs, yet I am still stuck in this rut where I am "diagnosed" with social anxieties and depressions. I hate that I am afraid to get a job. I hate that I have no friends where I live, yes people talk to me and say they are my friends, and I am grateful to them for this, but I always feel like they are just saying that, that they only respond, never talk. If I could just get some proof that I have friends, I might be able to move on with my life. But at the same time, I avoid asking if they are really my friends because I am afraid that I will push them away. Its just so infuriating at all this negative self talk I do, I am stuck. People around me are succeeding where I can't do anything anymore. I have gone to therapy, I have been given medications, I have even got neuropsychological testing to figure if something is wrong with me, and I am perfectly normal. It drives me up the wall with all that I have gone through and I am still where I started four or five years ago. I am placing a tremendous burden on my parents and it disgusts me at what I am doing to them. All I want is to have a job I want, a place to live that I am paying for, and a family of my own. And yet I come back to my original point of avoiding to start. What the hell is wrong with me.

Oh shoot

Sorry I forgot to do one today, I was into a movie called Gettysburg staring Martin Sheen and Jeff Daniels.

Marching Band

Another time in my life when I had the most fun was doing high school marching band. I was surrounded by friends and made new friends, attractive girls and women watched us perform from the stands, there were beautiful girls in the marching band as well, and I am proud to call most of them friend. I made and cultivated several friendships that I will forever treasure in the band. One of my favorite songs we played was the Muppet Show Theme mixed with a song called Chameleon I think it was called I think. Another favorite, which I didn't have a choice because we played it so much, was the touchdown celebration, which we obviously played a lot. Even the all day practices in the summers was fun, because, like I said earlier, I was surrounded by friends. The drum majors (those people who stand in front and conduct) were ALL very good, I believe they and the section leaders were wisely chosen every year.

Swimming

I used to swim a lot when I lived in Maryland. Since I moved, I have not had as many chances to swim as I would like. I miss being able to swim whenever I felt like it in the summer and in a pool larger than the kiddy pools (yes the local pool is a kiddy pool). I actually miss swim teams where I would see friends and be in the pool often, winter and summer swim teams. Swimming was one of my social activities along with marching band, where I could and did make friends. Another reason I miss swimming is because it help to keep me in shape, and since I don't swim anymore, I have become out of shape. I truly miss swimming.

Being Active

I have  realized for some time now that I am not as active as I used to be. Before, I was on the summer and high school swim teams, played in the marching band every year, was highly involved in the boy scouts and occasionally went to youth group at the church I went to. Doing all these things and more kept me physically in shape and I had a lot of energy. Since moving, I have stopped, plain and simple, I have not done anything in a long time. So I recently decided to start running everyday of every other day if my back and knees allow me to. I also need to start doing other things to get back in shape mentally. I have never been as social as I wanted, but I used to get by with my social interactions, I had friends from beyond memory, most of which I have, unfortunately, lost almost all contact with. I need to become more extroverted and talk with more people. I figure doing this blog would get myself practice at talking to people, trust me, there is a method to my madness... now if only I can find out what the method is.

Instant Messaging

Recently, I have been trying to reach out to people from my public school days via instant messaging. Now it has not completely worked but I do talk with more people than I used to. I would like to thank those who respond to my messages, like TS, from Texas believe it or not, TM from Maryland, YVS from Idaho, and all the others, thank you for responding at least once in a while, you have made me happy to know people actually care, (aww...). So the moral of this story is....no moral, just wanted to thank people for still talking to me, and to say I forgive the others who haven't.

Authority

Authority to me is what you give someone that you believe should have the ability to direct people or to help and take care of others safety. When your child is trapped in a fire, you trust in the authority of the firefighters to save your child and protect others, so you listen to their directions. In a hostage situation, you would place your trust in the police to resolve the crisis. Basically, authority is given to those you would trust in an emergency. Another example of authority is of someone who can make difficult decisions when no one else will. For example, many generals in the past have had to make the decision to send people to their deaths to win a strategic victory, knowing that several thousand might die, because in the end, it shall save millions of lives.

R.E.M. Syndrome

Recently I have been suffering from what I call the R.E.M. syndrome. R.E.M. was a band from when my brother was young, and I, being the annoying brat who looked up to him all the time, learned to like R.E.M. as well. One of their songs is titled, "Losing My Religion", (for those Gleeks out there its that song what's his face sung in the Cheezus Christ episode the only episode I have seen and remember.) Anyway, what I mean is I think I really an losing my religion, because as the years have passed, I have liked going to church less and less. It doesn't help that often my parents forced my to go to the early services. I have begun to notice a lot of repetitiveness to going to church itself, we go, we sing, we listen to bible verses, we sing, we listen to a sermon, we sing again, listen to more verses, sing again, then we leave. Even the sermons are getting repetitive. I know this blog might alienate some family of mine, because everyone from my fathers side are heavily spiritual, I mean my Grandfather and Uncle were both ministers or was it reverands. I grew up listening to stories about them, mostly my grandfather being a minister. My aunts and cousins are very spiritual, and I worry that they will alienate me. I worry that I am losing my religion and my family because of it.

Appreciation

When you do something nice for someone, and they appreciate what you have done for them, don't you feel happy? When ever someone does something kind for me or does a favor, I always try to show my appreciation for what they have done. I also, deep down in my subconscious, try to do things to receive appreciation from others. Appreciation makes me feel good and encourages me to do more for others in the hope of receiving more and more. I actually am quite selfish is this way, I crave reactions to my actions, I expect someone to appreciate what I do for them, but I never voice these thoughts to anyone because that would be terribly rude. Showing your appreciation will also result in someone doing things for you in the future if you ask them for help.

Ma happy place

When I wanted some alone time when I still lived in Maryland, time away from everything that life threw at me, I would often walk through the woods behind my house, off the path. I believe that my not walking on the paths in the woods is a good metaphor for my life, meaning I don't like walking the way others do it, but I like to know that if I got lost, that there was a path nearby to help me find myself. Since I moved from Maryland, I have not had a chance nor will I have a chance to walk off the path in the woods, mainly because there are no forests behind my house, just a man made lake.

When I would walk through the forest, I would be able to vent my frustrations to the trees, I would pretend that they were listening to me. Just pretending that someone was listening, no matter the issue, made me happy. Just being alone helped me deal with a lot of issues, like who I thought was pretty, who made me angry, who hurt my feelings, and many other things. I would sit by the stream and listen to the world around me and be at peace. Trees all around me, a stream with a small bank to sit on, the soft crunch of a deer walking by on the other side of the stream, this is my happy place.

Germany part 1

A year or two ago, I had the opportunity to go to Germany, and because I have always wanted to go to Germany, I jumped at the chance to go. The first day in Germany was actually spent in the air mostly, because I had to fly to Atlanta, then from Atlanta to Munich. On the first day, I woke up, and I use the term woke up loosely because I did not sleebecause of my excitement, and my father drove me to Bush intercontinental and was actually allowed to see me off at the gate. This was the first time I actually flew alone and I was a little nervous, i.e. about to freak out. After my plane landed in Atlanta, GA, I met up with the teacher who was chaperoning I guess you could say, my history teacher at the time, Mr. C. He arranged to meet me at my gate before hand so he could bring me to the rest of the group that were going,including his mom, whom I coined the term, p "mamma c." When we met up with the rest, it was about a two hour wait i believe for the flight to Germany. When we finally boarded the plane, I was separated from the group because I reserved my tickets separate from them, and I was seated next to an elderly lady, whom fell asleep soon after take off, and I didn't want to wake her, so for the entire ten hour flight, I stayed seated, watching movies, reading, playing video games. I also got no sleep so I was actually awake for about forty hours that day. Ten hours later, at seven A.M. in Munich, we landed, and I sprinted to the nearest bathroom. I had looked out the window of the plane and seen England, France, and the sun rise while a mile up. After we landed and got off the plane, I remember very little, but I do remember sitting at a cafe in the airport waiting for the adults to find our van that they were renting for sevenish days.When it showed up, we all piled into the van, I was lucky enough to ride shotgun, and drove three hours to a little village named Bad Bayersoien. When we arrived at BB, we got settled and went out to lunch at a restaurant I don't remember, toured the town that my teachers great aunt I think it was, lived it, visited her, then we ate dinner at an italian restaurant believe it or not. After dinner, we went back to the....bed and breakfast I guess you could call it, and I passed out in my room, not to be awakened for a long time. End of Day one.

Bad habits

I was thinking the other day about habits and how some are bad habits. I'll admit that I have bad habits, like chewing my nails or cracking anything that I can, i.e. knuckles and spine. I learned my bad habits from watching others, like my family, when I was younger. I am not sure about others, but my habits show up when I am nervous or when I am thinking, crewing my nails and cracking my joints, respectively. There are other habits that I know of but don't do that are worse habits, like smoking, and there are better habits, like drawing a picture. Now that I have thought about my habits, I wonder what other peoples habits are.

Am I being left behind?

As I was mowing the lawn today, I had some time to think. Normally this is a good thing, and I can plan out these blogs. But today I got to thinking about my friends, and I realized something. I realized that my friends might be leaving me in their pasts and I have, in my depressed state, not realized that.  Some friends are always busy at work or doing homework, while I am stuck in the past. All of my friends keep getting or are still in relationships, and I feel because I don't know what that is like, they look down on me subconsciously. Some friends don't even talk to me anymore, and I feel like those that still do only because they are being polite. When we do talk, I have to struggle to talk with most of them, its always short answers. I understand that this is just my mind telling me things, and that they are just really busy, growing up and being adults and all, I just wish they would leave me a note every now and then telling me how they are or something. I live in Texas, I am far away from all of my friends. So I have been asking myself for two hours now, am I being left behind?

Male Stereotypes

It really bothers me when other men perpetuate the male stereotypes that men are liars, cheaters, and other negative traits. All my life I have been struggling to prove that not all men are these traits, but it has been an uphill. I admit that I have lied in the past, but I have been striving to correct that mistake, and I have never nor will I ever cheat on someone. I have sworn to myself and to God never to cheat on my significant other, when I get one. I also promised to God that I would always be there for my children when I have them. I always hear these stories about unfaithful boyfriends or husbands, fathers that abandoned their families, boyfriends who lie and abuse their girlfriends. I will gladly swore an oath right here, right now, to always remain faithful, never abuse or use. I make no such promise about lying, but that is a work in progress. I need to stop, I am rambling and repeating myself now, so I'll leave with this. Not all men are evil, nor does every man have these negative traits, and I will do my damnedest to prove these stereotypes wrong.

Rape, and my thoughts on it

Rape is a terrible thing to have happened to you. I myself have neither raped nor have been raped, and I thank the Lord for that. I couldn't live with myself in either situations. I recently got out of group therapy, and a lot of the group members were raped or molested. Being there showed me just how disgusting rape is, it has literally torn people apart and destroyed their lives to the point that they can not have a steady relationship. My opinion on rape is it is a disgusting subject to even think about, but it must be talked about to try to prevent it. Rape is immoral and only people...no, filth who even try to do it should not be considered human. Victims of rape should know that there are people, including me, who will listen to them and not judge them. I also would suggest that they seek help so that they can move past the trauma.

Gaia

I have a dog, whom I named Gaia, because of the colors her coat is. The colors of her coat are mostly black, some white, and a little brown, looking at her made me think of earth, and I have an affinity for history and myths so, I quickly came up with the mother goddess of the earth from the greek pantheon, Gaia. I'll tell you it was a lot better than calling her what my mother wanted to. Gaia is a blue healer, I think, and I believe she is also part beagle because of how she looks. She is very affectionate to the point it drives my parents and I crazy and she always wants attention.

S and D are crazy

My brother and father are nuts. They are currently doing a MS 150, where for about two days they ride a total of 150 miles on their bikes. The crazy part is they will do another one in a week or two. If I trained, i might be able to do one of them, but two so close together is just crazy.  I am currently sitting in the guest room of my brothers house watching his dog and mine while my mother has gone out on errands. Me and my mother are going out with a friend of my brother for dinner, so i got to get ready soon.