Starts out with a theme, but then gets random

For some reason I feel really happy today, like something good will happen. I don't know why, but I am happy that I am happy. I woke up and after my usual complaining and cursing of the sun and all alarm clocks, I realized I was smiling. It was weird, I don't usually smile until after I have eaten or done something, but I woke up smiling. Later I was watching  the dogs playing, because we are still watching my brothers dog, and they were rough housing like usual, but they seemed to not be as rough as they usually are. Another reason I am happy is because I actually feel like writing a blog today, go figure. Yesterday I took a nap and after it I woke up feeling refreshed. I don't know why I took the nap, I just remember taking it. I tried to take on this morning, but the dogs were barking, so I couldn't sleep. Yesterday I was supposed to hang out with a friend but that never happened, so I should probably reschedule it for another day. Right now my thoughts are really random sounding to me as I type these sentences, so it must be rocket science for some people. Maybe I'll read a book later, I think it'll be that one book I haven't read yet, or at least one of them, probably the first book in the Master and Commander series, I hear its pretty hard to read though.

again?

Once again I have hit a wall in inspiration, I try to think about whaT i want to write about, but I just can't figure it out. how do those professional bloggers do this, they can just sit there and pump out blog after blog, while I struggle to think of a short paragraph. I once thought I over thought things, but now i wonder if i don't think enough. Is my lack of thoughts connected to my lack of friends? I wonder if that is possible. Are thoughts and conversational skills linked? Lately I have been thinking a lot about these blogs and what they mean to me, they are a way for me to get my frustrations out, but i cant get all my frustrations out. a lot of my frustrations are very private and I don't want to offend people or worry people with my personal problems. i am thinking of writing a second blog, but just for me, does that make sense? i don't know what to do, it feels like there is an empty part of me, and I don't know what to do to fill that hole, do you understand? I think I need help, i feel like the nothingness is expanding, like it is going to engulf me if something doesn't happen soon. it is so frustrating that i don't make enough to live on, i barely make enough to pay rent to my parents every week, and when I don't i become depressed because I failed my parents once again. I got to go, I'll talk again when I can.

My Neighbor Totoro

The next film in the series of epic masterpieces released from Studio Ghibli shows a return of Hayao Miyazaki to the directors chair. It is titles "My Neighbor Totoro" and this is a movie that I highly recommend watching with children. The film follows the two young daughters. Satsuki Kusakabe (age ten) and Mei Kusakabe (age four), of a professor, Tatuso Kusakabe, and their adventures in their new home in postwar rural Japan. When they arrive there, they meet a kind old woman, granny/nanny, and her typical pre-teen grandson, Kanta Okagi. When the three Kusakabes' first move into their new house the mother, Yasuko Kusakabe, is revealed to be in the hospital from a unnamed long term illness, thus their move so they can be closer to the hospital. They soon discover, to their great joy, little black balls of soot, called susuwatari or soot sprites in the english translation and a mysterious cat like forest creature named Totoro, who introduces them to a weird catbus chreature.

"My Neighbor Totoro" is a wonderful family film that is both delightful and charming with a cast of great voices. Voicing the two sisters are real life sisters Dakota and her younger sister Elle Fanning, Both of whom bring a realistic sisterly feel to their characters. The father is voiced by Tim Daly while the mother is voiced by Lea Solonga, who is the singing voice of Jasmine (Aladdin) and Fa Mulan (Mulan and Mulan 2). The voice of the catbus and Totoro is Frank Welker,  famous for voicing Fred Jones and Scooby-Doo in the Scooby-doo shows. Rounding out the cast was Pat Carroll, voicing granny, and Paul Butcher voicing Kanta. This movie is a wonderful movie to watch with children and I highly recommend watching it.

What would I do?

Someone asked me what I want to do in life, and I did not have an answer for them. I still do not but it has got me thinking. What do I want to do in life? I sure as heck do not want to do anything with politics, they is just too much drama in that cesspool, so I am not going to be president (happy ML?). It has crossed my mind to be a writer but I don't know if I could do that. I do not know if I have the talent or the patience to sit down and write something up, even if I did, what would I write about and how long should it be? How would I even get it published, all these questions and more have made me doubt being a writer. I mean I do love reading and all, so I probably could write something I would like to read, but I don't know what I would write about. Another thought was being a history teacher, but I don't think I would be good at that, I tried teaching the newboys (what we called the new recruits in the boy scouts) all about wilderness survival and other boy scout things, but that didn't work well, I feel like I wasn't that good at it and they didn't learn anything from me. I would probably be a better assistant than a teacher. A third thought was working at a museum, I love going to museums, I always have fun at them, at least when people go my speed, (mom) and I love history, so thats a plus. I just don't know what I want to do in life, and this frustrates me to no end. My friends from when I was growing up in the public school system have all graduated and earned a degree in what they want to do in their lives, and here am I a college drop out. Yes I finally admit it, I am a drop out, a failure, what good am I, everyone I know is better than me, and it makes me upset. I feel like a failure because I dropped out of college, I tell people that I want to go back, but I don't know if I can. Maybe I'll talk more about this later.

Nap Time

Yes thats right, I still take naps, and I know you all do to. Right now I have been having trouble falling asleep lately, but once I do, I am out like a light. What is real annoying about not being able to fall asleep is that I still wake up intermittently and get up early. So I am not really getting enough sleep, so I figure I should try to take naps during the day when I am not working, but I can't unless someone else is home because I have to make sure the dogs don't get into trouble, well, not too much trouble. The good thing about naps is I usually dream during them, and I usually remember what those dreams are about, so I can talk about them if I think they should be talked about. Right now my eyes feel really heavy and I feel kinda dizzy, but I can't fall asleep because 1. my parents are not home to watch the dogs, and 2. I have to go into work soon. So I have a conundrum, should I catch a few z's or should I stay awake and be tired while working till midnight? Maybe I can set my alarm for an hour or two and put the dogs in their crates so then I can take a nap. Although I might get in trouble if they defecate or urinate inside their crates...hmmm, another conundrum. Some people might think that taking a nap is for babies, and I will be the first one to say I don't care, naps are for everyone, whether your big or small, naps can be healthy. What I mean is it can help recharge your energy levels. Napping for at least twenty minutes has shown that it helps refresh the mind, improve alertness, and improve productivity. Some cultures even allow a short napping period after lunch called siestas. I am kinda rambling so I'm going to go now.

Inspiration

It is hard to find inspiration for these blogs. Sometimes it comes to me, while other times I am sitting in my room, staring at the computer screen for hours on end. Today is one of the staring days. I sat here, staring at the screen, pacing my room, lying on the bed, doing anything to try to think of something to write about. It took me twenty minutes just to think of this topic. I have a friend named PH, she is a writer of two (at least two that I know of) books. I wonder how she does it, writing seems to come easy to her, although for all I know, she could be staring at a computer screen or banging her head on a desk, trying to think of something to write. I try to draw inspiration from my everyday life and from things that I like. There are only so many times one can write about emotions right? I have an aunt who is an illustrator for children's books, and I wonder how she is inspired to do her doodles let alone her job. How do people do it, it seems that some people just have it flow from them and it never stops, this is frustrating how little I am inspired sometimes. Half the time these blogs or just train of thought, I think something and I write it down, hence the title "Random Thoughts of Mine". I want to ask for help in finding inspiration, but since I don't get much feedback from doing these things, I figure it would be a waste of time asking for help here or in reality. Maybe if people read these things and told other people about them, I would get critiqued or something by someone, but for all I know only about six or seven people read these. Well I have finished for today, maybe I'll be inspired tomorrow. Oh by the way, if you like these, please tell others about them and comment here or on my facebook, I want to know if I am doing good.

Grave of the Fireflies

In the return of my Studio Ghibli films, I chose to write about "Grave of the Fireflies", directed by Isao Takahata. This movie takes place towards the end of World War Two, in a war torn Kobe, Japan after a recent fire bombing. Fire bombing is the use of incendiaries to burn down buildings and is cheaper than using regular bombs. In the opening scene, you see the body of Seita in Sannomiya Station, in rags and dying of starvation, all around are bodies of children dead or dying of starvation as well. A janitor comes and sifts through Seita's possessions and finds a candy tin containing ashes and bones.He throws it out and from the tin springs forth the spirits of the two orphans, and a cloud of fireflies. The movie focuses on two orphans who recently lost their mother, and their father is a captain in the japanese navy, feared to be dead. The two orphans, Seita (fourteen years old) and his younger sister Setsuko (four years old), must struggle to survive on their own after a short time spent with a distant aunt. The aunt welcomes them in, but as food rations and other issues come up, the aunt gets increasingly resentful, going as far as to openly complain about how they do nothing to earn the food she makes for them. After a time, the two orphans leave their relatives and move into an abandoned bomb shelter, where Setsuko slowly start to die of malnutrition. To try to save her, Seita begins to steal from a local farmer but is soon caught and severally beaten. After his sister dies, you find out that the ashes and bones from the beginning of the movie are his sisters remains. The movie ends with the two siblings, healthy and well-dressed, sitting side-by-side on a train, looking down in the modern day Kobe.

This movie is actually one of the few things to actually touch me on an emotional level and I will admit, I did cry a little. I apologize but I am unsure of the english voice actors. This movie is,, to me, about the horrors of war and what people do to survive in a war torn country. It is about the loss of innocence when all one is trying to do is survive and protecting their family. This movie is truly powerful and I recommend watching it (with a box of tissues mind you).

Valentines day

Today people will celebrate the annual celebration of love, otherwise known as Valentines Day. The day where everyone buys gifts for their loved ones, goes on dates, or simple spending time with the one you love. To be honest I don't see what the big deal is, I have never had a reason to celebrate it, and yes I know, its something I would get if I had a reason to, but as of now I don't much care to celebrate it, it just shows that another year has passed that I failed to have a valentine. I understand the purpose of celebrating it, don't get me wrong, love is a wonderful thing, at least from all the books I have read or movies I have seen where it is involved has lead me to believe. I cant really describe it in words, but I have this hole in myself that I feel can only be filled by someone else. I watch couple who are in love....that didn't sound right...oh well... and I see that they are truly happy. They hold hands, are always smiling, share those small looks when they think no one is watching. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a creep, I just sometimes people watch when I am bored and I observe a lot of things. I believe that happiness and love are two sides of the same coin, there isn't one without the other, do you know what I mean? I don't think everything is in rose tinted glasses, good heavens no, I just believe that if one is truly in love, everything just seems a little bit better.

Ok, time for my frustrations to vent, I am just so frustrated that I haven't had a girlfriend to celebrate Valentines day with. All my friends are out there celebrating it and I am sitting in my house feeling sorry for myself. I need to get out there but the fear of the rejection and unknown is just so paralyzing. I have had my fair share of romantic interests in the past, but because I am such a coward, nothing ever happened with them. I was so stuck in my self destruction that I don't even know if I missed a chance. I wish I knew what to do but I don't. Obviously I am ruining a perfectly good holiday with my self destructive rants about a subject I have yet to experience, so I will end this here and wish every one a happy Valentines Day

Skye dog

This morning I was awoken at 0530 to what I thought was someone calling my name, but it turns out to have been my brothers dog, Skye, a blue murle boarder collie (I don't know if thats spelled right). She has white fur with black spots, and has blue eyes. She is getting old and has some problems that older dogs sometimes get, like mild (I think thats what they said) seizures and hip dysplasia. I named my dog Gaia to go with my brothers dogs name (we call Skye, skye dog, and I sometimes call Gaia, earth dog). Anyway, today I was woken up by skye barking to be let out. I was later told that she was barking all night, and my mother didn't get a lot of sleep this night. When I tried to return to sleep, after I let her our along with my dog, she began barking again, and it was mildly annoying, so I decided to just get up for good and started my morning routine early. As I am writing this she is still barking intermittently at something, probably my mothers piano playing. Or maybe its because no one is paying attention to her, or Gaia is bothering her. My brother has had Skye since about '08 I think it was, and she was a year old by then, so she is about five years old, at least that is what we decided when we were talking about her. Unlike my dog, whom I can pick up and hold at her modest thirty pounds, Skye is larger and more awkward to pick up, so I don't even try to pick her up, mostly because she probably isn't used to that and she is not my dog. Did I mention that we are watching her for two plus weeks while my brother is in India for him? Well if I didn't, I just did. This is only the first day and I am already losing sleep, oh joy.

World Traveling

Today my brother leaves for India, and my mother made a comment about him being her world traveler. It got me thinking about another one of my dreams. A dream that I want to travel the world at some time in my life. I want to travel all over Europe and Asia, South America and Australia, visit Antarctica and Africa. I want to see ancient ruins, learn about their histories. People always dream of going somewhere in the world, and I want to go everywhere I can.My brother is going to be spending two weeks plus change in India. He will be traveling with a friend for most of the trip, seeing all the sights he can. Hopefully he will tell me about his trip while he is there or when he gets back. I might even tell you guys about it if I feel like it (and he gives permission). Ever since I was little, I have wanted to travel the world, see the sights, like the Eiffel tower of Paris, France. See the emperors palace in Edo, Japan, I mean Tokyo, Japan. Visit the Olmec ruins in Central America, or the Aztec ruins in Mexico. I know I will need a lot of money to do this, and I have one idea that I hope pans out that will afford me the amounts that will allow me to visit all the places I wish. I wont say what this idea is because I don't know if it is even worthwhile. I will say that I enjoy doing what I am doing, I just get stuck at some points.To do what my brother does at least once a year is amazing, he makes enough money to travel the world whenever he feels like it, or at least have it planned out and able to get time off to do all of this. I wont be able to see my brother off because I have work, so I wish my brother safe travels and I hope he has fun while he is away.

It was Inevitable

It was inevitable that I write a blog about money. I know, thats dangerous territory, but I feel that I should talk about it. I am not good with how I handle my money, I am the first to admit it. I spend it pretty much as soon as I get it, and its not a lot to begin with. I wont say how much I earn, that might cause problems that I don't want to deal with right now. I also have to pay my parents rent because I still live with them, and I wont say how much that is either. Lets just say that because of my wanton spending, I am now in debt with my parents. I blame only myself for this, I bought too many video games, and I should have budgeted myself (no dad I don't need your advice on this one). What I should have done was save my money and bought only what I needed, not what I wanted, but its the past now, and I will probably not follow my own advice because I will probably buy something else I "just have to have". I am jealous of my siblings, yes I probably have said this before, so lets add this one to the list as well. My brother owns his own house, not renting mind you, and he has flown to Japan and most recently India, he has driven around Montana and California, and he lives alone (thats right ladies, he's available), so he definitely knows how to maintain his finances. My sister has a baby, lives in a two story (I think) home, and has lived on her own, apart from my parents, for years. She obviously knows how to maintain her finances. One of my dreams is to be able to live on my own and earn enough money to do that, unfortunately at this time, I cant see that happening.

Im sorta back

Hello, sorry that I haven't written in a long time, I have a job now and I ran out of ideas among other reasons. Not a lot has happened since I last wrote. My father has decided to look for a new job, I don't remember why, maybe its because he wants to, or I just don't feel like telling you, although if you personally ask me and I deem you worthy to know, I might tell you. My mom has continued to take substitute dental hygienist jobs, i.e. she is the one they call when their regular is sick or on leave. Oh, my brother is coming to visit today because tomorrow he flies to India to spend a week or two with a friend there, at least I think thats what he is doing when he goes tomorrow. My sister and her family have moved into their new home, somewhere in durham I think. I was supposed to go there for christmas, unfortunately I had to work, so I was home alone for christmas, sad face. I am alright with it though, because I earned money. Well I am going to end this one here, I plan to write a different one right after posting this one, this one was just an update on my life, if anyone cares to know.