Wednesday, October 19, 2011
I live in a world of avoidance. I will be the first to admit it, I avoid things. I actually avoid writing about a lot of things. Lately I have been getting better at facing things, but I still hide in my room and avoid too many things. People my age go out and make things of themselves, while I sit alone in my room self-pitying myself. People make new friends and have jobs, yet I am still stuck in this rut where I am "diagnosed" with social anxieties and depressions. I hate that I am afraid to get a job. I hate that I have no friends where I live, yes people talk to me and say they are my friends, and I am grateful to them for this, but I always feel like they are just saying that, that they only respond, never talk. If I could just get some proof that I have friends, I might be able to move on with my life. But at the same time, I avoid asking if they are really my friends because I am afraid that I will push them away. Its just so infuriating at all this negative self talk I do, I am stuck. People around me are succeeding where I can't do anything anymore. I have gone to therapy, I have been given medications, I have even got neuropsychological testing to figure if something is wrong with me, and I am perfectly normal. It drives me up the wall with all that I have gone through and I am still where I started four or five years ago. I am placing a tremendous burden on my parents and it disgusts me at what I am doing to them. All I want is to have a job I want, a place to live that I am paying for, and a family of my own. And yet I come back to my original point of avoiding to start. What the hell is wrong with me.